Monthly Archives: March 2014
PROFESOR CLAIMS TO BE A WEREWOLF
By Barnibus Fowley
Though the moon is not full, Professor Thomson claims that a transformation is imminent. “It’s all so very clear to me. I am a werewolf. If I’m being honest with myself, I always knew that to be the case, I have very strange pubic hair. It’s almost animalistic in nature.” Professor Thomson claims that this statement is made, not in an effort to draw attention to himself, but is in fact to keep students safe. He has taught at Dewmont for seven years, and has yet to have a fatality in one of his classrooms. To say the least he knows a thing or two about safety. He had this to say about his imminent change: “I know people usually say full moons because they are bigger or whatever, but the sun is really big to so it’s just like, I don’t know, you know? I definitely feel as though I am going to transform on campus. It’s inevitable. It’s almost usually sunny here, and I’m not going to just not come here you know? My wife is at home, and she’s a b***”. Thomson made this declaration early today After President Meridue announced immense pay cuts for the teacher’s salary. “Yeah I wasn’t a fan of the pay cuts. But it has nothing to do with this. I was born a werewolf. Now I’m a werewolf who can’t afford to go to as many midget boxing matches. That’s the only difference.”
I, along with the rest of the school have heard that you were arrested for burning a bush on campus. If this is true, I think that it should have an effect on your status as an “advice columnist”. Why should I listen to a pothead arsonist? What qualifies you to solve my problems? Who are you to tell me what to do?
Frustrated with the System
To begin with, an arrest is not proof of guilt. Had you spent a little less time reading the newspaper and a little more time going to class, you might know that….but reading newspapers is good too. Yes I was arrested, but I am innocent until proven guilty, but you sir have proven yourself to be a cruel, narrow minded man. I did not mean to burn that bush down, and I should not lose my job for it….I mean I didn’t burn the bush down. Yeedin yip yip and shit.
GOD DOESN’T ASH BLUNTS OPINON COLUNN BY DRAKE MAHONEY
Quite the headline isn’t it? Daring, bold, dastardly, perhaps controversial. I anticipate more than a few angry letters from the campus Christian organization on the basis of the title alone. But the question is , why? Who would object to the suggestion that God does not ash blunts? It is indeed an assumption, but one that I feel has been rooted in the soils of firm logic. I’m not trying to be offensive, I am just stating what I feel to be fact. GOD DOES NOT ASH BLUNTS. So who is stating the contrary? Why the campus Christian group of course!
As most of you probably know, our own Otto, of Ask Otto, has indeed been arrested on suspicion of arson. He was witnessed smoking what appeared to be a weed laced cigarette, (because it’s unproffesional to call it a fucking joint) and then pitching it into a nearby bush, which then caught on fire. Sounds simple enough doenst it? That is because it is. Remarkably easy. But apparently it is too easy.
As you may have heard, there is one group that has, at least inadvertently yet boldly claimed the innocence of my good friend Otto. The campus Christian organization believes that the bush was set ablaze by Moses. I’ll say that again. The campus Christian organization believes that the bush was set ablaze by Moses. Does it make any more sense now that I have said it again?
What you are hearing is true. The organization has written both to us and to the Daily Dewmont Storm, insisting that bush was in fact the result of an angry Moses. Now I don’t know Moses, but I am going to say that he probably did not burn our bush.
To clarify, I myself am a Christian. Not a campus Christian per say, although I suppose that I am one of those too when I am actually on campus, but I was raised Catholic. I know a thing or two, I’ve seen me some church. It’s important to me that you know that, not on the grounds that I would like to convert you, but because I cannot stress enough that Moses was not an arsonist. Ok there was that one time with that one bush, but that was mostly God anyway, and I don’t think that that should have to define his whole life.
To be fair, the Christian group is not suggesting that this was a prank. Moses wasn’t bored. He wasn’t double dared, he wasn’t trying to impress a girl. He was warning us. Dewmont is full of sinners, and because of that, we deserve one less bush than we were already accustomed to not noticing. Do you understand that unusualness of the claim? Of course you do, that was perhaps the most rhetorical or rhetorical questions.
Lets break it down. The “sinners”, if there are such a thing, have not been punished by this lack of bush. While the DCC serial killer enthusiast club (made up organization) has insisted that it was indeed their favorite piece of foliage, I do not believe that that in and of itself represents a large enough scale purge of evil. No one but the firefighters and police officers have even been so much as inconvenienced by this minor accident. No if Otto had spontaneously combusted, that would be a different story. Spontaneous combustions I can work with, that definitely sounds like Moses to me. But until then, I am going to rest well with the comfort of knowing that Dewmont’s only curse is one of poor guidance councilers, and over priced nachos.
OUR OWN ASK OTTO, BROUGHT IN FOR SUSPICION OF ARSON
By Barnibus Fowley
It has come to our attention that our own staff member, Otto, of our weekly ASK OTTO column, has been arrested on suspision of arson. Otto was spotted with what appeared to be a marijuana cigarette outside the library just moments before a nearby bush went ablaze. Witnesses reports say that Otto was seen pitching his joint into the bush and walking away just before the fire caught on. He is to be charged with arson and minor possession.
In the meantime, our campus Christian group is also up in arms about the ordeal. “A burning bush? It was Moses! Who else but Moses would burn a bush?” said Phillip Berkshire, president of the organization. Authorities have stated that they have no evidence implicating Moses in the arson.
“The Evidence is written on our hearts,” Berkshire continued. “Moses didn’t want to burn the bush, it was a nice bush. But something had to be done. This campus is overflowing with sin. It will take more than a little bit of ‘joint ashing’ to take down a bush like that. This was the work of Christ.” Authorities would also like it to be known that Christ is not a suspect in this ongoing investigation either. The organization claims that the bush is a sign from God, warning DCC about the severity of it’s actions. “If we don’t turn our actions around soon, the consequences will only be amplified. I don’t want to be here when that happens.” Said Berkshire. “This campus has an awful lot of bushes.”
A Practice in Forgiveness
A humanist perspective
By Kathy Mcdermant
I like to think of myself as at least a somewhat decent woman. I care about others feelings, I recycle even when no one is looking, and if I see that someone’s shoes are untied, I tell them. I even run a column not so humbly titled “A humanist perspective”. My priority is indeed people, at least that is what I like to think. The truest test of character comes in the face of adversity, everything else is just for show.
Today my cell phone was stolen. I know right? Honestly a cell phone is an unnecessary commodity. I don’t need it; it isn’t going to save my life, if I am hungry I cannot eat it. The problem is not that the device was essential to me, it is not even that I cannot afford a new one. If we break things down to their simplest form, the problem is that someone else has something that I want.
Yes the phone was mine, yes I paid for it, and yes, I do have the right to expect no one to take it from me. But I am not entitled to it. Did you know that the computing power in an IPhone is greater than that of the equipment’s that launched the first rocket? Of course you did, you probably looked it up on your IPhone. How could anyone possibly make a valid argument that I need something like that? They can’t. I do not need my IPhone, and I suspect that no one else does either.
Reasonable enough right? The IPhone is without question a practice in over indulgence, and in a world where there are a very limited number of resources to go around, there simply is no room for such things. So you’re probably proud of me right now. “Wow,” you say to yourself, “that Kathy sure handles things well. She has a level head and can indeed handle the heat of the kitchen”. Well you’re wrong, and perhaps mildly schizophrenic.
I did not handle myself with dignity or any sort of basic decency really. Instead I borrowed a friend’s phone, and I called my number over, and over, and over again. I dialed that number until I got tired of dialing that number, and then I dialed it some more, until finally I could take no more of it. So I did what any child of the digital age would do. I started texting. “I lost my phone, if you have found it please return it to the lost and found, thank you.” Reasonable enough. After all, I had left it on a chair in the library; it wasn’t entirely fair of me to assume that it had been taken. I had checked the lost and found without success, but that didn’t mean anything. Why at that very moment someone could have been scouring the campus, desperately trying to find the lost and found so that they could return the phone I had misplaced.
But they weren’t. I knew it, they knew it, and if the government is squandering our money on cell tracking half as well as they used to, Obama knew it too. I knew that my phone was stolen when its new owner answered one of my many phone calls, and then hung up. Bold isn’t it? So I sort of threatened them…. “Return my phone to the lost and found and I will forget all about it….that is the only way that I will forget all about it…” And that’s the best that I could come up with.
Oddly enough the threat of me remembering how I don’t have a cell phone did nothing to retrieve it for me. So I tried again. This time a tried a nicer approach. “I’m sorry that I have to be this way. I’m not trying to get you in trouble; I just want my phone back. God Bless.”…..hahaha. Yeah. That didn’t work either. So I gave up. No response, no phone, and in my mind, no justice.
So what’s the take away here? Well the way I see it, there were two victims today. Obviously I am one of them, but you’ve already heard all about that. The other is the young sir or madam that helped themselves to my phone. If you all are like me you are probably at your computers right now thinking to yourselves that you could never steal someone else’s phone, or steal anything for that matter. I couldn’t either, in fact I can hardly fathom it. SO think of what the life of the person who can must be like. Something is missing for them. Maybe its money, maybe it’s a strong moral compass (perhaps an absent parental unit) or maybe even just a general lack of guidance. Whatever it is, they have made an unusual decision, and one that reflects a difficult living circumstance. Something is missing, that is why they had to take more. And whatever it might be that they are looking for, I can tell you this, it will be much harder to find than a new phone.
To be blunt, I have no idea what I want to do with my life. My friends and family tell me to go to college, but my heart tells me to pursue acting. What do you think?
Scared and Frustrated
Yeedin yip yip and shit! You’ve come to the right place! I know a great deal about disappointing my friends and family. Your friends and family aren’t the ones who have to sit miserably in a classroom all day, you are. So do what makes you happy. Sometimes life works itself out. I forgot to register for classes this semester and I have never been happier.
An Opinion Column
By Drake Mahoney
Is there really such thing as a bad word? There are bad phrases sure (see Paris Hilton’s ‘That’s Hot’) but can a word itself be inherently bad? The answer is a simple no. People can be bad (see Paris Hilton) but the words that they say are simply that, just words.
I’ve always found it odd how far parents will go to keep their kids from hearing swear words. While it can be presumed that Jason Voorhees was entirely a product of foul language (just kidding…you knew that right?), one can positively assume that in real life, an occasional F bomb here or there isn’t going to do a tremendous amount of harm to your child. So what is the problem? What makes parents leap out of their seats the second they hear the phrase “cock Nazi” at a McDonalds play place? Survey says….It’s embarrassing!
That’s right, embarrassing. Parents don’t won’t their kids to say bad words, because they will say them to other kids, who will tell say them to their parents, (who also say bad words) and then the original set of parents will be judged, because only heartless bastards say bad words.
So that brings me to my final point, fuck what other people say. What makes a word bad is how it used, not by the setting it is said in. “That’s fucking funny”, is an entirely different statement than “Fuck Cock Nazis”. The first is a simple expression of oneself, flavored with a choice word, while the other is a hateful, albeit very specific utterance of discrimination. Do you see the difference? People do not become hateful or aggressive because of foul language, and contrary to what I said earlier, neither did Jason Voorhees (it was because his mother is a dick, spoilers). So what’s the conclusion? Swear to your hearts content. Swear to show you are happy; swear to show you’re sad. Swear to show anything except for hatred, and most of all, never swear against“cock Nazis”.
HEAD OF CAMPUS SERCURITY REPORTED DEAD
By Barnibus Fowley
Officer Jay Reynolds, head of campus security was announced dead this Tuesday. The announcement was made by the Dewmont Community college official daily publication, The Dewmont Storm. Reynolds had served the school faithfully for twelve years. He leaves behind two children, and a grieving widow who could not be reached for comment.
Reynolds passing occurred suddenly and unexpectedly, after a reported “coffee incident” went horribly awry. This is one of seventeen coffee related tragedies suffered at Dewmont over the past three semesters.
Reynolds was known on campus as the man who solved the great napkin heist of 03, tamed the women’s bull riding team riots in 06, and patched the infamous Dewmont Crack that claimed three students lives. It goes without saying that he will be truly missed around campus.
When asked about his feelings on the reports of this tragedy one man had this to say. “I think that this goes without saying, but I am not dead. I did show up late last Tuesday, about five minutes late, because I stopped to get tea on my way to work and the line was quite long. Tea. I don’t even drink coffee, not after the Frappe fiasco of 07. This is ridiculous. I came home to my wife in tears yesterday! Fuck you Dewmont Storm!” Fuck Dewmont Storm indeed.
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I Love you, Yes you
A humanist perspective
By Kathy Mcdermant
The word love gets thrown around a lot these days, perhaps even too callously, but I mean it, I love you. I love the you that you are afraid to show the world, because that is the you that you are meant to be, and I love more than anything to see you overcome that fear…..As you can tell, I’m a little emotional.
In one of my journalism classes the other day we were discusses the effects of mass advertisements on our society and man….that stuff is a heartbreaking. So heartbreaking in fact that it makes an aspiring journalist say “stuff”.
The truth of the matter is, we live in a culture where it is practically impossible for a person to be themselves. You can’t eat food if you want to be attractive, you can’t live if you don’t eat food, you cant save yourself for marriage if you plan on being cool, and you cant have sex if you don’t want to be judged. Do you see the impossibilities? I mean think about it, damn near everyone in the world likes cookies and there are still weddings each and every day.
Commercials show us that everyone is thin, everyone is happy, everyone wears short shorts and goes rock climbing on their periods. Its enough to make any normal person question what they are doing wrong. But here’s the thing, I’m starting to believe that it isn’t us normal people that are doing the wrong thing, it’s the media (shocker right?). I think that they are lying to us, and it’s making me wonder who else is lying to us (MAYBE CLINTON DID INHALE!!!).
People in real life don’t look the way that they do on these ridiculous commercials and TV shows. Even Kate Upton doesn’t look like Kate Upton. So what change needs to be made? Should we defy our own biology and become slaves to the media, or should we be ourselves, and let the salesmen learn to adapt to that? I know that it isn’t easy to defy the norm, but you have to do it. You have to decide that the you that you want to be is the you that the world deserves to see. I love you the exact way that you are inside, and the people that you need in your life will too.