God Doesn’t Ash Blunts
GOD DOESN’T ASH BLUNTS OPINON COLUNN BY DRAKE MAHONEY
Quite the headline isn’t it? Daring, bold, dastardly, perhaps controversial. I anticipate more than a few angry letters from the campus Christian organization on the basis of the title alone. But the question is , why? Who would object to the suggestion that God does not ash blunts? It is indeed an assumption, but one that I feel has been rooted in the soils of firm logic. I’m not trying to be offensive, I am just stating what I feel to be fact. GOD DOES NOT ASH BLUNTS. So who is stating the contrary? Why the campus Christian group of course!
As most of you probably know, our own Otto, of Ask Otto, has indeed been arrested on suspicion of arson. He was witnessed smoking what appeared to be a weed laced cigarette, (because it’s unproffesional to call it a fucking joint) and then pitching it into a nearby bush, which then caught on fire. Sounds simple enough doenst it? That is because it is. Remarkably easy. But apparently it is too easy.
As you may have heard, there is one group that has, at least inadvertently yet boldly claimed the innocence of my good friend Otto. The campus Christian organization believes that the bush was set ablaze by Moses. I’ll say that again. The campus Christian organization believes that the bush was set ablaze by Moses. Does it make any more sense now that I have said it again?
What you are hearing is true. The organization has written both to us and to the Daily Dewmont Storm, insisting that bush was in fact the result of an angry Moses. Now I don’t know Moses, but I am going to say that he probably did not burn our bush.
To clarify, I myself am a Christian. Not a campus Christian per say, although I suppose that I am one of those too when I am actually on campus, but I was raised Catholic. I know a thing or two, I’ve seen me some church. It’s important to me that you know that, not on the grounds that I would like to convert you, but because I cannot stress enough that Moses was not an arsonist. Ok there was that one time with that one bush, but that was mostly God anyway, and I don’t think that that should have to define his whole life.
To be fair, the Christian group is not suggesting that this was a prank. Moses wasn’t bored. He wasn’t double dared, he wasn’t trying to impress a girl. He was warning us. Dewmont is full of sinners, and because of that, we deserve one less bush than we were already accustomed to not noticing. Do you understand that unusualness of the claim? Of course you do, that was perhaps the most rhetorical or rhetorical questions.
Lets break it down. The “sinners”, if there are such a thing, have not been punished by this lack of bush. While the DCC serial killer enthusiast club (made up organization) has insisted that it was indeed their favorite piece of foliage, I do not believe that that in and of itself represents a large enough scale purge of evil. No one but the firefighters and police officers have even been so much as inconvenienced by this minor accident. No if Otto had spontaneously combusted, that would be a different story. Spontaneous combustions I can work with, that definitely sounds like Moses to me. But until then, I am going to rest well with the comfort of knowing that Dewmont’s only curse is one of poor guidance councilers, and over priced nachos.