Spiderman the Pervert, and A very naked cocain cowboy.
With a name like “Spiderman the Pervert, and A very naked cocain cowboy,” It’s got to be good, OR, it has to be jelly. In this case, the post in question is neither. Hello and welcome to the blog, my name is Paul Durante, and I am the writer and facilitator of “The Daily Dewmont News,” as well as the creator of a new web series that corresponds with this blog entitled “The Dewmont Daze,” If you are the type to watch something as trivial as a web series here is the latest short installment in mine. http://youtu.be/8eXrLcISjCc I will continue to make videos like this one until I have the resources to create the actual intended web series, which is a whole lot more interesting than these silly little conversations about star wars and weed…..Anyway. If you aren’t the type to watch a web series…do it anyway. It wont bite unless you want it to.
Ok. Now that I have my obligatory shameless self promotion out of the way, it’s time to get to the meat of the story. Last week I read in the “New York Post,” a very thought provoking piece about a man dressed as spider man in New York who was arrested for groping a woman. Now to make things perfectly clear, here at the “Daily Dewmont News,” we have nothing but the utmost respect for women. The piece below is in no way meant to diminish or trivialize the suffering that she endured as a result of this mans vile actions. What you will find below is only a very mediocre story of what my silly brain imagines might happen to this criminal after he is released from prison. Unfortunately I do not recall who can claim authorship of the original piece, but if the person responsible is reading I have only this to say: Stop reading my blog immediately, and go purse stories that mean something. Not to be harsh.
But as I was saying, Pervy Spiderman. Now that in itself is interesting, but what happens next is what brings the story to the level that makes it New York Post worthy. Since I myself do not posses so much as a lick of Journalism prowess to my name I can only relay it to you in a string of dialogue that I made up entirely. What you are about to read is entirely fictional, and in no way represtnitve of anything that may have actually occurred. Now if you are in some way affected by this post, and do not find that the afformentioned disclaimer was enough to immunize myself from the stain of slander, than by all means pursue litigation. But if that is truly what you wish to do, know this: I was lying when I said that my name was Paul Durante, the dude who rattles on and on on the internet about some place that he made up called Dewmont. My true identity is that of a celebrity. I don’t know who…Perhaps Kevin Costner, he seems like he could use the attention now. So if you have any complaints, I cordially invite you to take them up with him. Now without any further adoe, here is some bullshit dialogue that I just made up right now as I type these words.
“I see that you haven’t touched your lasagna,” said the mother of one very pervy Spiderman. “I should have figured, now that my boy is a New York Post celebrity, he is to good for his old mothers lasagna.”
“I’m not to good for your lasagna maam. I’m not hungry. Please leave me alone.”
“Leave you alone? I don’t think so. You’re a famous now Joshua, you need to get used to peole talking to you while you let lasagna that your father worked very hard to pay for go to waste.”
“Dad’s dead mom.”
“And it’s a good thing too. He would rather be dead than see the monster that you have become,” said the very angry mother of the very pervy spiderman.
“Mom, please,” He pleaded, ashamed of the attention that she was giving him.
“OH I am sorry Mr. Big Shot. I wouldn’t want to upset you or your “peeps”.”
“I don’t have peeps mom.”
“Of course you do. Celebrities have peeps, and peeps don’t let there famous friends take shit over lasagna do they.”
“Mom, this is the least helpful thing that you could be saying to me right now.”
“Just admit that you don’t like the lasagna.”
“I like the lasnagna mom!”
“Maybe you’d like to grope some better food out of me.”
“Mom, please, I am not going to grope any sort of food out of you.”
“I knew you should have been Batman. Batman never goes to jail.”
“Would you please just let me sit in peace?”
“Oh I am sorry. I didn’t know that you needed peace. Is that what Hector gives you? Peace?”
“Oh god. Here we go,” Said the very pervy spiderman.
“I knew from the moment I laid eyes on him that he was no good.”
“I am sure that you did mom.”
“A naked cowboy. A NAKED cowboy! It doesn’t even make sense. Wearing a hat doesn’t make you a cowboy Joshua.”
“I know mom.”
“Where’s the cattle?”
“I don’t know. He doesn’t have cattle.”
“That’s exactly right, you cant trust a boy that doenst have cattle. Do you do coke with Hector?”
“I don’t do cocaine mom!”
“I knew I never should have let you listen to Bob Marley.”
“Don’t bring Christ into this Joshua. He doesn’t want anything to do with your cattelless perverted nude cocain antics.”
“I wish you would stop reffering to it as that mother. I made a mistake ok?”
“A mistake? You hurt someone Joshua”
“I know mom. I know what I did.”
“You went to Jail.”
“I know that too.”
“And then your friend–”
“I know what my friend did mom.”
“And then your friend showed up to the police house naked.”
“It’s part of his schtick mom, I don’t know what to tell you. I didn’t ask him to go.”
“Yes well now everyone has seen his schtick. But not only did he show up to the police house naked–”
“He showed up naked, with cocaine”
“That was his decision! I had nothing to do with that.”
“Where was he even keeping it Joshua?”
“I don’t know mom. I really truly do not know. Can we please stop this?”
“And to make things worse, I had to come bail you out. Because that is what I have always done. And how do you thank me?”
“You thank me by scoffing at my kind gesture of a plate of lasagna.”
Joshua sighed. He could take no more. He was living with the guilt of what he had done, the shame he had occurred from being in the paper, the slanderous repricousions his actions have had to the entirely innocent character of spiderman, and most of all, he was still haunted by the sight of his very naked, albeit cattleless cowboy friend having cocaine ripped from his anus by a very eager drug sniffing dog. He could take no more.
“The lasagna is dry mom.”