Blog Archives

Weed, Urine, and Motherf***ing Joe Biden

Hello friends, family, the indifferent other!  For those of you that don’t know, my name is Paul Durante, and for the last year or so, I have been working on developing a web series titled “The Dewmont Daze.”  In that time, I have released a mdoerate amount of shorts, but the series itself was stalled several times.  BUT now it’s finally here, and you can watch it.

Yes that’s right, for the low low price of no money whatsoever, you can let my mediocrity inspire you into creating some of your own.  And the best part?  Each episode is only seven to eight minutes long.  Did you ever see Avatar?  That bullshit went on for three God damn hours, and by the time it was over all that we learned was that it costs a half billion dollars to make a statement on human wastefulness.  But that’s not the nonsense that you get here- no, with my series you can get loads of human wastefulness in seven minute incriments!  SUPPORT A DIRECTOR THAT RESPECTS YOUR TIME!

Ok, so that said, here is the second episode!

If you have watched any of my previous videos, you might recognize two of the characters.

But wait!  You’re saying that you haven’t seen episode 1?  Well that’s no problem, you could probably manage episode two without having seen it, but fuck that!  Here it is, free of charge, and of blue people!

There you go!  Free entertainment, littered with weed, urine, and Motherfucking Joe Biden!

Thanks for watching

Paul Durante

Follow me on Twitter @DewmontPaul

The Dewmont Daze

Hello friends, enemies, and the indifferent other!  For those of you that do not know, my name is Paul Durante, and for the last year or so, I have been working towards developing a new web series set in the marijuanna smoke infused Dewmont Community College.  While production has been slow, and at times tedious, I am very pleased to announce that as of last night we are officially online.  That means that for the next ten weeks or so I will be posting one video a week until the lot of you get too tired of me to remain passively indifferent.  At that point, you will get hostile, and I will retreat back into my cave of make believe in which everyone likes me, and my videos never fail horribly!  Until then, join me in watching the ensuing disaster unfold!

But in all seriousness,The show really isn’t so bad.  if this is your first time reading my blog, you wouldn;t know, but throughout production our time and resources were regrettably limited.  We had about seven weeks to complete filming, with only about three hours a week to do what we had to.  Considering that we had about 114 pages of script to wade through, the task at hand was a difficult one, and equipment limitations did not end up playing to our favor.  The camera we used was a good one- a cannon t3i rebel, but unfortunately that was the extent of our technology.  Given the sporatic filming schedule, renting equipment would have come at an enormous cost, and of course as college students our budget to acquire new equipment was non existent.  The result is of course what you will find in the link above.  So, if oyu could do me the honor of watching, liking, subscribing, and commenting, I would be most appreciative.  BUT, if you don’t like it, certainly don’t let that stop you.  Call me a hack!  Tell your friends about the shit nugget of a video that you watched online.  Just be sure to pass on to them when you get the chance.  Either way they see the video 😉

Thanks for watching,

Paul Durante

Please follow me on twitter @Dewmontpaul

Fish Eyes And Jean Jackets: Tales from a married Student

For those of you that have not been reading along (I’m talking to you, World Wide Web)  my name is Paul Durante, and for the past, ohhh twenty or so years I was just a shell of what I could be.  In that time, I have met people that I care about, gone places that expanded my horizon’s past the corn filled soils of Illinois, and even written things that i am somewhat proud of, but it took me up until this summer to find what I can finally call, success.  And how might a mediocre small scale internet personality quantify success? Well since no one reads or watches my things, this online pest has had to go the deeper, more personal route.  Marrying my wife, was the best decision that I have ever made, opening my life up to something that it had previously never been familiar with: daily joy. Even before, when we were only dating, or even engaged, the happiness was still tremendous, spiritual, and perfect beyond what I had ever before known, but now as I pound away at these keys with a wedding band on my left hand, something has changed.  There is a new sense of simplistic profundity to this familiar and yet new sense of happiness, and I am afraid that it is a profundity that I cannot explain in this blog, most especially because nobody pays me for this shit.

But amongst this wonderful and exciting new chapter of my life is an ever so feint veil of surprise and speculation from my peers.  Oh yes, I am still a student.

“What do you think? Unplanned pregnancy?”

“Blind recklessness?”

“You don’t thing….surely he isn’t a Christian?”

Okay, okay, so no one is literally circling up and whispering gossip in my face.  In fact, the vast majority of friends and family have been very supportive of our decision, but in the background there has always been this since of judgemental speculation.

So lets clear things up.

  1.  Nope, no pregnancy, planned or otherwise, although I do believe I would look glowing with a baby bump.
  2. Excuse you sirs and maams, but we have been together for three years.  There is nothing blind or reckless about it.  There isn’t a reckless bone in my body.Your reading the words of a man too cowardly to even attempt to parralell park.
  3. Haha no.  I’m not a Christian, nor am I in any capacity religious.  But do try not to say it with such stank in your voice next time.

Here’s the deal.  When you know, you just know.  Are we young? Perhaps slightly.  But we are also financially able to pay for our own food, transportation, and living quarters (which we would have had to do regardless of whether or not we had gotten married) and in roughly nine months, we will also be degree holding members of society (despite my utter disdain for all thinks scholastic).

We are happy, which as far as I am concerned means that we are doing something right, because really, how often is there something to smile about?

wedding kiss

Thanks for reading,

Paul Durante

If you have any questions or comments, leave them!  I love hearing from you guys

Please follow me on twitter @DewmontPaul

Fish Eyes and Jean Jackets: Married as F***

Married as fuck.  Sounds nice doesn’t it? While the day itself was a bit of a blur, I do believe that it is the very last phrase that the priest uttered before saying “you may now kiss the bride”.  You’re married as fuck, so just go ahead and kiss her.  Eh maybe he didn’y say it.  I knew though, and I couldn’t be happier about it.

Lets rewind.  My name is Paul Durante, and for the last three years my every waking thought has been completely and utterly captivated by one Rachel Riesenberger (I’ve learned to look past the whole German thing and I hope that you can too).  I wish there was a fun like or as that I could whip out to adequately describe our relationship (you know, like some Bonnie to my Clyde bullshit?) but the truth is she’s more like the teacher to my inner deliquint.  My girl was our class valedictorian, a feat that she is not too keen on mentioning, and while i am no intellectual shlub, you are nevertheless reading the words of our high school classes 121st ranked student (and I do believe that there was only 98 kids in our class).  In many ways we are opposites.  She is the sweet to my bitter, the organization to my clutter, even the Christian to my secular humanist.  With all that in mind, I have been married as fuck for three years, even before the church and the state decided to recognize it the way that we did.  And that simple fact has been my utter joy for the past three years.

Married as fuck.  That’s the funny thing about love, about human connection- that’s where the joy in life is.  I’m only twenty one, but if there is one thing I know without doubt, or without question, it is that the difference between joy and pleasure is as distinct as it is crucial to understand. Food can be pleasure- a fleeting moment happiness caused by what is usually fat and sugar, but a meal, shared with friends and loved ones- that can be joy.  That right there can be a memory.  the same thing is true of marriage, or any relationship of substance really.  If there is one thing I know, it is that the most foolproof path to happiness lies in  understanding what matters in life, and what doesn’t.  Because there are somethings that no one can take from you.

It is in this regard that I myself have struggled, even if only slightly.  I have the world- everything that I could ever hope for, and yet there is a small part of me that tries to define my happiness or success by how I am received as a writer or a director, or whatever the hell other goofy thing I am working on at the moment.  Since I was six I have dreamed of being a professional writer, and it has been about since then that I have also pursued it.  I have written stories, and novels, created web series, I am in pre production on an independent film, and I even started a goofy blog in the hopes that it would get people to pay attention to me.  I WANT to be succesful, but what I always come back to is the simple fact that I have already been given far more than i need.  Everyone is always looking for that greener side of the pasture, but what I continuously realize is that there is nothing better than what I have now.  I’m twenty years old, and I have peeked.  Exactly what everyone dreams of yes?  My life is perfect, Everything else that I get after this point is bonus.

Thanks for reading-

Paul Durante

Got Questions? Leave a comment.  Ask nice and I’ll respond, ask rude and I’ll get balligerant with you.

Follow me on twitter @DewmontPaul

I Wrote a Book about Suicide

*Segments in quotation marks are excerpts”.
If you’ve never tried writing I highly recommend it. It’s weird and wonderful, creative and personal. It’s tremendous-right up until the moment that a stranger tells you that the story you have poured your heart into is” good but….
“But I feel someone else might be better equipped to represent it”. “But I’m afraid that I can’t think of any editors to put this in front of.” “But I’m not sure what the market is for a book like this.” The first couple times you just focus on the part where they said it was good, but then you realize that that’s a very kind way of saying that they’re not sure my book would make them money. At first I found that aggravating, but then that’s absurd isn’t it? In a world where publishers have to compete with Youtube and whatever Kimye has going on in their dreadfully public lives, they have no choice but to swing for the fences when it comes to what they publish, and agents likewise need focus on the books that they know they can sell. I can sympathize with that, and quite frankly, I wrote a weird little book. Time is money, so why should they spend theirs trying to figure out if they can sell my novel? And then it occurred to me to find out for myself.
So that’s what this post is for. I’ve spent the last two months trying to find a literary agent, and while I understand that a lot of people spend a great deal more time than that looking for the right person to represent them, I myself am leaning in another direction. While I have no hard feelings towards literary agents, I have recently sought out publishing houses that allow you to submit without the backing of an agent. My current favorite is “Impulse Publishers,” both because I sincerely feel as though my novel would fit in nicely there, and because its home to the same sort of books that I myself read (and because they’re smart, handsome/beautiful/any other adjecitves that would make them like me enough to publish my novel, people). However, I see very little reason to submit to them at this point, unless I myself can determine that this is indeed a novel that people would want to read. My goal (absurd as it may be) is to receive ten thousand positive responses to this post. And what is a positive response? Anything that signifies that this is a novel that you would be willing to buy. Like my post, leave a comment, share it with your friends. If the idea strikes you kindly, please do everything that you can to help me spread the word. It could potentially help me out a great deal. So what’s going to happen now is I am going to tell you about the novel. If you like it you can give me a helping hand. If you don’t, well I don’t know. You can tell all your friends about the douchebag you met on the internet I guess. Anyway, here it is.
“I find myself awakening in my own skin, righteous with self discovery, now fully ready and eager for the end…..until at the last moment I am saved by own metaphorical webbing, and in an instant my life comes flooding back down upon me all at once like a damn breaking. Spiderman takes off his mask, and he is Peter Parker. I stop convulsing on the floor just long enough to be Tyler Metz, dog whisper and murderer”.
The novel that I wrote is titled Something Decent. It is a first person narrative told from the perspective of twenty four year old slacker stoner Tyler Metz, who sits on his couch one slow Friday morning with a joint in one hand, and a cigarette in the other, his eyes glued to what are apparently a particularly good batch of cartoons. It’s a typical day in the life of an unemployed man child, though not for long. As Tyler sits smoking alone on his couch, from seemingly out of nowhere his dog walks into the room on its hind legs transforming slightly with every step until he stands before Tyler looking almost human. This dog, who up until that point he had known as Peter speaks to him, his words growing ever more haunting with each passing sentence. Tyler is at first able to keep his cool, trying to participate in his own mental break down to the best of his abilities (as psychosis so rarely lends itself to such rare circumstances) but as “Peter” confronts Tyler with his dark past (“And I know that you killed your uncle because he fucked you.”), he is no longer able to keep his cool, and in a fit of righteous rage he shoves the animal to the ground and stabs it in the heart killing it quickly.
And that is how the book begins. Before he can fully process what has happened Tyler is forced to defend himself from the lingering spirit of the murderer that had possessed his dog. He does so with the help of a suicidal spirit guide named Zeke, a drug dealing psychic named Funky, and a man named Joseph Hoffman, asshole, Satanist, and Catholic priest, (not necessarily in that order). But that’s not all that there is to the novel.
“I have never encountered a more dehumanizing experience than walking around like a shell, living the life of a person that I barely recognized. That was what my life had become. I was in the middle of a long plummet, with no net, and no hope of finding one.”
Yes, it’s a silly little story about a boy that’s being pursued by his former pet (turned walking talking asshole) but truthfully it is more than that, at least to me anyway. There are demons, and ghosts and drug dealers, and yes there are plenty of jokes (this is not one of those talking dog books that takes itself too seriously) but to me it’s more than that. It’s a story written for those that have walked the streets wearing a smile that is not their own, wondering why no one else could understand that they were suffering. It’s a story for people who have contemplated the nuances of life and death, and perhaps decided that the latter was simpler. It is my own personal attempt to navigate through the dark terrain of living, dying, and the vague in between. If you read this and you understand the feeling, and would like to walk through the journey with me (in an outlet that is softened by stoners and talking dogs) then let me know here. Like my post, share it with your friends on twitter and facebook, and shoot me a comment letting me know what you think. And you know what? If you think I’m full of shit you can say that too. It’s a whole lot better than hearing “It’s good, but….”.
“Life is what you make it, and I have made mine twice. There is what you see, and what you don’t: each iteration is just as real as the next, if you want it to be. The only question now is who do you want me to be? Perhaps it’s my wounded poetic soul crying out, but I would love to share, I would love to say everything, because then I can be alive. Then, the person that I am can exist beyond the dimensions of my skull. Maybe I’ll be just as fucked up as ever or maybe I won’t but–Oh. You aren’t listening. That’s ok, I understand, no one likes a sad clown.”

Follow me on Twitter @DewmontPaul for updates on what is happening with Something Decent.

Thanksgiving Kush must be poison.

goodness me gee wilikers. im certainly not tarintino but motherfuck has my last video not done well. in the past my work is usually met with a moderate amount of likes that at the very least double however many dislikes they happened to get. the results are rarely impressive, and certainly never brag worthy, but so far at the very least they have been enough for me to feel decent about. not this one tho. dislikes, and negative twitter comments galore. you know what? before we go any further, how about you take a look for yourself?

that’s it. thanksgiving kush, the latest installment in my not so epic saga of stoner otto, and his reluctant stirfry. the duo are in fact simple side characters in what will be twelve part web series entitled “the dewmont daze,” coming sometime next year, but when it comes to short videos im quick to include them in the mix- mostly because i play the one in the dopey leather jacket. i know that they are no cheech and chong, harold and kumar, jay and silent bob, and they certainly are no biden or motherfucking barack obama, but regardless theyre not entirely horrible are they? well are they? im not here to defend the video folks, im here for some feedback. let me know what you think. is it the worst thing you’ve seen since hannah montana sang naked with beadle juice? the best thing you’ve seen since the birth of your child? somewhere in between?
lets here what you think.
thanks for your input guys-
paul durante
please follow me on twitter @DewmontPaul and follow blog by inputting your email address on the right hand side of the screen.

Ebola Ebola Ebola, Obama

please allow me to step away from political commentary for a moment to plug my new video. its the latest thinking in mediocrity. ebola ebola ebola, obama, is the third installment in what has become my vlog, the wednesday show. like the other videos before it, this episode is sure to be the latest and greatest thing in mediocrity. in all seriousness folks, i am indeed the worlds worst blogger. its certainly something to be seen. heres the link http://youtu.be/ZJbGNWIDCqk
for those of you following along regularly on my blog know, i have set up some end of the year goals for my self. two hundred blog followers (i need 46 more) 200 youtube subscribers (i need ten more) and 1000 twitter followers (i need 380 more. so if any of you would like to help me reach those goals, please like, share, tell your friends, follow me on twitter or whatever else you find it in your heart to do. just think of this as your end of the year charity. some people donate to the poor, you follow a mediocre blog that thinks it is clever for using undercase letters. some people hand out food on the holidays, you like a youtube video that is shittier than our current political climate….actually maybe you should help those other people out. it sounds like they need it more….
thanks for reading
paul durante
please follow me on twitter @DewmontPaul

Thanksgiving Kush: Otto and Stirfry Give Thanks

lets make this a quicker post because…well who really reads the longer ones anyway? hi kids, my name is paul durante (on twitter @DewmontPaul) and on occasion i write and direct what is sure to be the most mediocre webseries that you have ever seen. and for your viewing pleasure, i have a new video for you all, freshly uploaded today. heres the link:

for those of you who have never seen my show, it is a short internet series in which we take a look at the lives of several people in a community college as they make the transition into adulthood. in it we explore life, death, depression, and weed….so far we’ve mostly only explored weed.
the two characters you will meet in this video are otto and stirfry. the skinny dopey named otto is played by my brother, and i play the morose but endlessly complex stirfry, who i assure you is infinitely more deep than he seems despite the fact that he only ever seems to come off as a bad actor. these videos are actually just extras: bonus material i am putting out as we go into pre production on what is to be the actual series. when we reach that point, the focus will stray somewhat from otto and stirfry, and while they will still be in it, the videos will not be one long weed joke. but for now….one long weed joke. i hope you enjoy kids, and please forgive the sound and the spotty camera work. we didnt have anyone manning the camera when we filmed it.
thanks for reading, and please do watch my video.
thanks,
paul durante
please follow me on twitter @DewmontPaul

my dream

looking through the catolog of some of my own posts like the self indulguent nit wit that i am i came to the conclusion that i swear far too much in my writing. its no wonder that no one reads these things. christ, i wouldnt show it to my grandmother, let alone a complete stranger. i have three posts with the word bullshit in the title. that comes out to two percent of my posts. granted that isnt a substantial number, and the math is almost definitely incorrect anyway, but still by my best estimation, a good two percent of my work is quite literal bullshit. what sort of writer am i? how can i possibly expect to get a person such any sort of attention with such horrible…content? why should you, my dear reader, read a scum bag such as myself? well i dont really have the answer for that. perhaps its in the bible? turn the other cheek? part red seas? hang out with prostitutes? whatever it takes to get you to continue reading is cool with me. after all, a case could be made that this is exactly what the world needs. in a reality in which americas favorite tv dad is a sexual monster, perhaps americas most mediocre angry blogger could fulfill the role of some sort of saint. at the very least ill leave you feeling good about your own grammar and writing skills. so yes, yes i do swear an inordanite amount of the time, and no i dont plan on stopping, but i ask you, whats so wrong with that? after all, are swear words not socially defined? is it not only predicated on public perception that words like “fuck, shit, and…more fucking shit,” are not stables of infants vocabulary? is it not tyrannical that the timids ears dictate the speech of the more open tongued? is it not blasphemous that a person such as myself and i dont know, say, the pope could not walk down the street hand in hand, him praying, and me screaming about fucking shits? because thats what i want. thats the world that i want to live in. a world in which “fucking shit,” and “amen,” can exist within the same plains of speech. where words like “hell,” and “damn,” are not just things that catholics threaten us with, but are instead common facets of our over all speech. where words like “fucking,” are commonly accepted adjectives. how hot is that soup? really fucking hot president obama. do you see how nice that is? i have a dream kids. a big fucking dream.
thanks for reading
paul durante
please follow me on twitter @DewmontPaul

Short Story Saturdays

Maybe. Maybe I will do short story saturdays. As any writer worth their salt can say, I have stacks upon stacks of unread undesirable short stories written from the perspective of a fifteen year old boy desperate for attention. While I on occasion will attempt to break out those old stories and salvage them into somethings sell-able, the overwhelming verdict is often enough that they are beyond saving. Even old stories that I have had published in magazines often times fall far short of anything that I would want someone that knows me to see. And that is where you come in to play my fine feathered friends. You don’t know me. As far as you know I am jut the long winded wordy sometimes leather bound (See http://youtu.be/NdoKxPI7wqY ) emo loser that shouts all things “Dewmont” for the world to hear. And while that iteration of myself is scarcely better than it’s mopey fifteen year old counter part, it will seem miles better by comparison. So, for the sake of humor, I am considering integrating a weekly segment of unearthing some of my particularly horrible short stories for the world (meaning the three and a half people that read this blog) to see. And they really are dreadful my friends. We’re talking phrases like “suspicious coffee pot.” So in the coming weeks you can expect to possibly see that. Also, as I have mentioned several times throughout my blog, I am putting the finishing touches on a novel. So if I am never able to find a publisher for it, you can expect to see that released on her as well, though in segments. But that won’t be until the distant future.
So yeah. Thanks for reading,
Paul Durante
Thinking I’m a stupid asshole? Tell me on Twitter! You can follow me @DewmontPaul . Call me stupid, call me a loser, just don’t call me late for dinner