Blog Archives

Weed, Urine, and Motherf***ing Joe Biden

Hello friends, family, the indifferent other!  For those of you that don’t know, my name is Paul Durante, and for the last year or so, I have been working on developing a web series titled “The Dewmont Daze.”  In that time, I have released a mdoerate amount of shorts, but the series itself was stalled several times.  BUT now it’s finally here, and you can watch it.

Yes that’s right, for the low low price of no money whatsoever, you can let my mediocrity inspire you into creating some of your own.  And the best part?  Each episode is only seven to eight minutes long.  Did you ever see Avatar?  That bullshit went on for three God damn hours, and by the time it was over all that we learned was that it costs a half billion dollars to make a statement on human wastefulness.  But that’s not the nonsense that you get here- no, with my series you can get loads of human wastefulness in seven minute incriments!  SUPPORT A DIRECTOR THAT RESPECTS YOUR TIME!

Ok, so that said, here is the second episode!

If you have watched any of my previous videos, you might recognize two of the characters.

But wait!  You’re saying that you haven’t seen episode 1?  Well that’s no problem, you could probably manage episode two without having seen it, but fuck that!  Here it is, free of charge, and of blue people!

There you go!  Free entertainment, littered with weed, urine, and Motherfucking Joe Biden!

Thanks for watching

Paul Durante

Follow me on Twitter @DewmontPaul

It Looks like I gave you a break.

Oh hi there.  It’s been a while hasn’t it?  Listen….I got married.  I like you all and everything,but quite frankly none of you seemed entirely interested in spending the rest of your life with me, so the blog had to take what I suppose you could call a brief hiatus.  So now, school starts in several days, and I thought to myself “what better time to initiate a major distraction?”  The privilage of an education does have a way of making you want to completely disconnect from the world, and given that in nine months I will be expected to try and join the work force with nothing but an English degree and a bad attitude to guide me, I thought that now would be the perfect time to fully immerse myself in a world that is tedious as it is pointless.  Because really,while I do like you guys, but given that there is only like three of you, this blog is about as worthwhile as anything else, which is to say not very.  But hey, it’s more fun than school, and still probably worth my time than a real job.  So yes, The goal, the hope, the aspiration is to do this as close to daily as I possibly can.  You’ll get to here about my marriage, my web series, and my stupid opinions!
Cheers to that eh?

Thanks for reading-

Paul Durante

Follow me on twitter @DewmontPaul

I Wrote a Book about Suicide

*Segments in quotation marks are excerpts”.
If you’ve never tried writing I highly recommend it. It’s weird and wonderful, creative and personal. It’s tremendous-right up until the moment that a stranger tells you that the story you have poured your heart into is” good but….
“But I feel someone else might be better equipped to represent it”. “But I’m afraid that I can’t think of any editors to put this in front of.” “But I’m not sure what the market is for a book like this.” The first couple times you just focus on the part where they said it was good, but then you realize that that’s a very kind way of saying that they’re not sure my book would make them money. At first I found that aggravating, but then that’s absurd isn’t it? In a world where publishers have to compete with Youtube and whatever Kimye has going on in their dreadfully public lives, they have no choice but to swing for the fences when it comes to what they publish, and agents likewise need focus on the books that they know they can sell. I can sympathize with that, and quite frankly, I wrote a weird little book. Time is money, so why should they spend theirs trying to figure out if they can sell my novel? And then it occurred to me to find out for myself.
So that’s what this post is for. I’ve spent the last two months trying to find a literary agent, and while I understand that a lot of people spend a great deal more time than that looking for the right person to represent them, I myself am leaning in another direction. While I have no hard feelings towards literary agents, I have recently sought out publishing houses that allow you to submit without the backing of an agent. My current favorite is “Impulse Publishers,” both because I sincerely feel as though my novel would fit in nicely there, and because its home to the same sort of books that I myself read (and because they’re smart, handsome/beautiful/any other adjecitves that would make them like me enough to publish my novel, people). However, I see very little reason to submit to them at this point, unless I myself can determine that this is indeed a novel that people would want to read. My goal (absurd as it may be) is to receive ten thousand positive responses to this post. And what is a positive response? Anything that signifies that this is a novel that you would be willing to buy. Like my post, leave a comment, share it with your friends. If the idea strikes you kindly, please do everything that you can to help me spread the word. It could potentially help me out a great deal. So what’s going to happen now is I am going to tell you about the novel. If you like it you can give me a helping hand. If you don’t, well I don’t know. You can tell all your friends about the douchebag you met on the internet I guess. Anyway, here it is.
“I find myself awakening in my own skin, righteous with self discovery, now fully ready and eager for the end…..until at the last moment I am saved by own metaphorical webbing, and in an instant my life comes flooding back down upon me all at once like a damn breaking. Spiderman takes off his mask, and he is Peter Parker. I stop convulsing on the floor just long enough to be Tyler Metz, dog whisper and murderer”.
The novel that I wrote is titled Something Decent. It is a first person narrative told from the perspective of twenty four year old slacker stoner Tyler Metz, who sits on his couch one slow Friday morning with a joint in one hand, and a cigarette in the other, his eyes glued to what are apparently a particularly good batch of cartoons. It’s a typical day in the life of an unemployed man child, though not for long. As Tyler sits smoking alone on his couch, from seemingly out of nowhere his dog walks into the room on its hind legs transforming slightly with every step until he stands before Tyler looking almost human. This dog, who up until that point he had known as Peter speaks to him, his words growing ever more haunting with each passing sentence. Tyler is at first able to keep his cool, trying to participate in his own mental break down to the best of his abilities (as psychosis so rarely lends itself to such rare circumstances) but as “Peter” confronts Tyler with his dark past (“And I know that you killed your uncle because he fucked you.”), he is no longer able to keep his cool, and in a fit of righteous rage he shoves the animal to the ground and stabs it in the heart killing it quickly.
And that is how the book begins. Before he can fully process what has happened Tyler is forced to defend himself from the lingering spirit of the murderer that had possessed his dog. He does so with the help of a suicidal spirit guide named Zeke, a drug dealing psychic named Funky, and a man named Joseph Hoffman, asshole, Satanist, and Catholic priest, (not necessarily in that order). But that’s not all that there is to the novel.
“I have never encountered a more dehumanizing experience than walking around like a shell, living the life of a person that I barely recognized. That was what my life had become. I was in the middle of a long plummet, with no net, and no hope of finding one.”
Yes, it’s a silly little story about a boy that’s being pursued by his former pet (turned walking talking asshole) but truthfully it is more than that, at least to me anyway. There are demons, and ghosts and drug dealers, and yes there are plenty of jokes (this is not one of those talking dog books that takes itself too seriously) but to me it’s more than that. It’s a story written for those that have walked the streets wearing a smile that is not their own, wondering why no one else could understand that they were suffering. It’s a story for people who have contemplated the nuances of life and death, and perhaps decided that the latter was simpler. It is my own personal attempt to navigate through the dark terrain of living, dying, and the vague in between. If you read this and you understand the feeling, and would like to walk through the journey with me (in an outlet that is softened by stoners and talking dogs) then let me know here. Like my post, share it with your friends on twitter and facebook, and shoot me a comment letting me know what you think. And you know what? If you think I’m full of shit you can say that too. It’s a whole lot better than hearing “It’s good, but….”.
“Life is what you make it, and I have made mine twice. There is what you see, and what you don’t: each iteration is just as real as the next, if you want it to be. The only question now is who do you want me to be? Perhaps it’s my wounded poetic soul crying out, but I would love to share, I would love to say everything, because then I can be alive. Then, the person that I am can exist beyond the dimensions of my skull. Maybe I’ll be just as fucked up as ever or maybe I won’t but–Oh. You aren’t listening. That’s ok, I understand, no one likes a sad clown.”

Follow me on Twitter @DewmontPaul for updates on what is happening with Something Decent.

Thanksgiving Kush: Otto and Stirfry Give Thanks

lets make this a quicker post because…well who really reads the longer ones anyway? hi kids, my name is paul durante (on twitter @DewmontPaul) and on occasion i write and direct what is sure to be the most mediocre webseries that you have ever seen. and for your viewing pleasure, i have a new video for you all, freshly uploaded today. heres the link:

for those of you who have never seen my show, it is a short internet series in which we take a look at the lives of several people in a community college as they make the transition into adulthood. in it we explore life, death, depression, and weed….so far we’ve mostly only explored weed.
the two characters you will meet in this video are otto and stirfry. the skinny dopey named otto is played by my brother, and i play the morose but endlessly complex stirfry, who i assure you is infinitely more deep than he seems despite the fact that he only ever seems to come off as a bad actor. these videos are actually just extras: bonus material i am putting out as we go into pre production on what is to be the actual series. when we reach that point, the focus will stray somewhat from otto and stirfry, and while they will still be in it, the videos will not be one long weed joke. but for now….one long weed joke. i hope you enjoy kids, and please forgive the sound and the spotty camera work. we didnt have anyone manning the camera when we filmed it.
thanks for reading, and please do watch my video.
thanks,
paul durante
please follow me on twitter @DewmontPaul

Ferguson: The Night After

First of all, thanks to everyone who read and shared my last post. I appreciate this, as the message behind it at least the way I see things is an important one. As for todays post: it will be a short one. I do not want to monopolize the tragedies that have occurred in Ferguson and use them to get attention, so unless situation dictates otherwise, starting tomorrow I will resume my usual blogging nonsense. But for today I feel the need to address the Ferguson Rioters. Shame on all of you who have partaken in this. You have made the death of Michael Brown about you and your anarchy, and not about the loss of life that took place months ago. Regardless of whether or not this particular shooting had anything to do with race, you have taken the voice away from all those who wished to peacefully demonstrate and call for real change. Your actions were more damaging to the world than that of the Officer who did the actual shooting, and for that you truly should be ashamed. No more needs to be said. I’m done.
Thanks for reading,
Paul Durante
Please follow me on Twitter @DewmontPaul

M(RI)AJOR BULLSHIT

lets cut to the chase. subtlety is for novels not blogs. certainly not the internet where everyone throws up their thoughts onto the world and hopes that someone catches the proverbial flu that is their ideas. with that being the climate of the writing community that i currently particicpate in, their is hardly a reason to say anything other than that i had an mri today. nothing serious. ive been experiencing numbness and chest pains, but honestly i think its just stress. college life is quite literally killing me, but then that is a subject for a separate blog post. the point is, mri’s suck ass hole. that might not be the way that chaucer would say things, had he ever had the opportunity to experience the modern medical marvel that is the mri, but it doesnt make it any less true. for those of you that dont know, an mri is a giant magnetic tube that takes pictures of the inside of your body. the entire ordeal takes forty five minutes, and if you move they have to redo it. i had two in a row, and the whole time i had to pee. i took to anyalizing my life up until that point, so as not to think about how confined i was. self analysis as far as i am concerned is never a good idea, but that couldnt be truer than when in the confines of a giant magnet designed to find fault with your interior. regardless, anaysis is exactly what i did. i wish i hadnt fallen asleep in church in front of my future fiances future deacon father the first time i met him. i eat too much pizza. i never work out as much as i say im going to. the sound quality on my videos suck. i shouldnt have yelled at my future fiances future deacon father the second time i met him over the phone because i thought he was a soliciter. i should have peed. i cant act for shit. i should have peed. i need to finish that research paper. god fucking damnit i should have fucking peed. i wish that i hadnt gotten into a shouting match in front of my future fiances future deacon father the third time that i met him….GOT FUCKING DAMNIT WHY THE MOTHER FUCKING STIRFY DID I NOT FUCKING PEE…oh. it’s over. you see what i mean? do you see the problem? do you see why no person should ever think about their lives for forty five minutes strait? and by the way, i had two consecutive mris. thats forty five strait minutes of wishing i hadnt done particular things in front of my future father in law, and contemplating pissing on what had to be a hundred thousand dollar piece of equipment. heres the kicker; best case scenario that hour and a half of hell was a completely unnecessary waste of time. anything else means that i am sick, or some other type shit that i certainly dont want in my life. do you see the problem? do you see the issue? do you understand why no one should even contemplate expoloring their minds, exploring their problems, investigating their health? mris are major bullshit. the only thing worse is being sick, and while i very much doubt that that will be what my next blog post is about, it leaves the situation as being less than what is to be desired.
thanks for reading kids,
paul durante
please follow me on twitter @DewmontPaul

The Wednesday Show.

well that was fun. what you might ask? my dreadful new pet project. i’m the sort of person that always needs to have an artistic project to work on. it’s either that or school work. that is not what this is. the wednesday show is a goofy little vlog type of deal that i decided to do the other day when i didnt want to work on a research paper. As you can see, the jokes are mediocre, the image quality is worse than that of minecraft, and the presentation is worse than if i had done nothing at all. anyway, heres the link. please like, share, subscribe, and then watch it again. tell your friends about it, profess it as your religion, and right it in on the ballad during your next voting experience.

and don’t forget to follow me on twitter @DewmontPaul
thanks,
paul durante

A post that i forgot to title

uh oh. the weekend came and went, and no blog posts followed suit. it has been, at least for the last week or so anyway, my intention to post on a daily basis. its an obligation i put on myself when i chose the title, a lack of foresight that will not be over looked again. anyway, as some of you might remember, my name is paul durante, and last saturday (technically the one before last saturday) i promised that i would do “short story saturdays,” a weekly segment in which i would drag out old short stories that i have written and we would collectively make fun of them. while that still sounds all well and good, im not sure that i am ready to do that. there are a few i have out there that i feel deserve a little bit more attention before they are written off as failures, so while i still very well might get to posting them, it may be a great long while. SO in it’s place i have come up with a substitute. another weekly segment in which we mock my failures, “video critique saturdays,” oh sure it doesnt have the same fancy alliteration that “short story saturdays,” is able to claim, but i believe that it will be a good time nonetheless. essentially, i will post one of my old youtube videos every week, tell you the story behind it and let you know everything that i did wrong. now some of you readers out there (of which i have six) might be thinking to yourselves, “that seems rather self indulgent,” and to you i say “OF COURSE IT IS THIS IS A BLOG.” every aspect of social media is self indulgent, but at least in this instance we can talk about what a fool i am, and we dont have to rehash my old and unchanging issues with the educational system, or with life in general. sound nice? good. in other news that you shouldnt care about, i will also be beggning a sort of vlog beggining hopefully this wednsday, in which i will take a look at the news and beg for strangers to like me. i think that i will call it “the wednsday show,” as i am not excessively creative. so there is that going on to. so thats about everything my friends. hope you enjoy the blog, but more importantly, i hope you keep reading even if you dont. heres a link to my last video just for the hell of it. please like subscribe, and tell your friends to do the same. http://youtu.be/NdoKxPI7wqY there should be another one uploaded next sunday. thanks
Paul Durante
Follow me on twitter @DewmontPaul

A post about friday.

today is friday. if you are reading this, chances are you already knew. and if you are reading this in the future, it probably isn’t friday, but that is little concern of yours. you have mastered time travel, and done everything else of interest to the point where reading my humble little blog seemed like a viable use of your time. i thank you for your radership. and your readership. and the ship that you travel through time with, like doctor who. dwa dwa dwa dwa. that was me onamontapeeaing the fuck out of the doctor who theme song. if you read those words and thought immediately of the show, you are either a true fan, or demonstrating the first signs of schizophrenia. either way, i am glad to have you as a reader. as you may be able to tell, this is not a sort of essay like some of my other posts have been this week. i am not here to profess the dangers of education, or to call my teachers names. no, this angry teenager (who as of yesterday is now twenty one) is happy. he is happy, because today is friday, which means that monday tuesday, wednsday and thursday can go fuck themselves. even sunday is on thin ice. if you havent figured it out by now, i am not much of one for school. i hate it in the same way a rational person might hate hitler. i hate it with the same fervor that americans mis understand things that arent…american. i hate it with more passion that bugs bunny had for tricking donald, with more anger than wallace and gromit had love for cheese, with more more passion than frodo had for sam, because we all know that there was something a little extra going on there. yes, if you know me, you know that i am not meant to be a student. im a journeymen. not particularly good at anything, but willing to try most things that dont involve phd’s and motherfucking fractions. the weekend is a liberating time all of us. aside from being what is perhaps one of the greatest reduncies i have ever passed through the keys of my laptop, it is as true a statement as i can muster. we all need the weekend. without them we might die. well i might. you could be one of those freaks that likes school for all i know. you could be one of those kids that likes their teachers, and raises their hands in class, and knows what the fuck a pathagoreum is and if you are….i appreciate your readership. the point of my posts is not to isolate, but to self express in a most volitilely arrogant ways possible. because the truth is, none of you know me. you might know that i am the goofy motherfucker on youtube that will on occasion slip on and old leather jacket, call himself stirfry and pretend to act, but outside of that, there is no reason for you to have any interest in any of my nonesensical ramblings. so with that in mind, i thank you for your readership.
Now, before i fuck off and enjoy the weekend that i have been at least kind of rambling about, lets talk some shit. first of all, i am happy to be able to report that as of right now i have made good on my resolution to blog a little bit more. next week i will make strides in blogging a little bit better, and before you know it, we will have something decent on our hands. asisde from that, i would also like to mention that in the near future i will be releasing my last video on the present cycle of otto and stirfry videos. dont worry, i m sure there will be a shit ton more than anyone ever wanted there to be very soon. for now, you can see the second to last one here http://youtu.be/NdoKxPI7wqY for best results, like subscribe, and send me your money. in that same vein of thought, i would also like to post on the internet, for the sake of making myself accountable that i would like to begin an at least semi regular video vlog type thing on the youtube channel to suplement the actual scripted videos. so yeah, thats about all my news. enjoy your weekend
Thanks,
paul durante
follow me on twitter @DewmontPaul

my birthday.

oh my goodness, it’s my birthday, and i only just got used to telling people that i am twenty. where does that leave me? now i am no longer a twenty year old fresh out of teen-hood with an at least passable excuse for being the walking irresponsible mess that i always am. the only consolation to that is that as of today i can no legally drink those miseries away. but in all seriousness, this is an interesting occorance for me. this is a day after which i am expected to be an entire year more responsible, an entire year more mature, an entire year more figured out. that’s a lot to ask from a dude that thought it was still 2012 a few weeks ago. the truth is i dont really mind getting older, i dont really mind the increase in expectation or in responsibility, i dont even care that it isnt 2012 anymore (although that was a pretty good year). birhtdays aren’t so bad. regardless of the debateableness of their value, or of whether or not they are selfish (which of course they are, but then what the fuck isnt?) they can be a good time all the same. while i am excited to spend time with my family, and my fiance, i dont need this day to be about me. frankly im more excited for the new pokemon game thats about to come out. in case you were wondering, there isnt a message to this blog post. you wont leave it with anything other than a few less moments of your life that you can claim as your own. what do you want from me? it’s my birthday.
Thanks,
Paul Durante
Follow me on twitter @DewmontPaul