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Fish Eyes and Jean Jackets: Married as F***

Married as fuck.  Sounds nice doesn’t it? While the day itself was a bit of a blur, I do believe that it is the very last phrase that the priest uttered before saying “you may now kiss the bride”.  You’re married as fuck, so just go ahead and kiss her.  Eh maybe he didn’y say it.  I knew though, and I couldn’t be happier about it.

Lets rewind.  My name is Paul Durante, and for the last three years my every waking thought has been completely and utterly captivated by one Rachel Riesenberger (I’ve learned to look past the whole German thing and I hope that you can too).  I wish there was a fun like or as that I could whip out to adequately describe our relationship (you know, like some Bonnie to my Clyde bullshit?) but the truth is she’s more like the teacher to my inner deliquint.  My girl was our class valedictorian, a feat that she is not too keen on mentioning, and while i am no intellectual shlub, you are nevertheless reading the words of our high school classes 121st ranked student (and I do believe that there was only 98 kids in our class).  In many ways we are opposites.  She is the sweet to my bitter, the organization to my clutter, even the Christian to my secular humanist.  With all that in mind, I have been married as fuck for three years, even before the church and the state decided to recognize it the way that we did.  And that simple fact has been my utter joy for the past three years.

Married as fuck.  That’s the funny thing about love, about human connection- that’s where the joy in life is.  I’m only twenty one, but if there is one thing I know without doubt, or without question, it is that the difference between joy and pleasure is as distinct as it is crucial to understand. Food can be pleasure- a fleeting moment happiness caused by what is usually fat and sugar, but a meal, shared with friends and loved ones- that can be joy.  That right there can be a memory.  the same thing is true of marriage, or any relationship of substance really.  If there is one thing I know, it is that the most foolproof path to happiness lies in  understanding what matters in life, and what doesn’t.  Because there are somethings that no one can take from you.

It is in this regard that I myself have struggled, even if only slightly.  I have the world- everything that I could ever hope for, and yet there is a small part of me that tries to define my happiness or success by how I am received as a writer or a director, or whatever the hell other goofy thing I am working on at the moment.  Since I was six I have dreamed of being a professional writer, and it has been about since then that I have also pursued it.  I have written stories, and novels, created web series, I am in pre production on an independent film, and I even started a goofy blog in the hopes that it would get people to pay attention to me.  I WANT to be succesful, but what I always come back to is the simple fact that I have already been given far more than i need.  Everyone is always looking for that greener side of the pasture, but what I continuously realize is that there is nothing better than what I have now.  I’m twenty years old, and I have peeked.  Exactly what everyone dreams of yes?  My life is perfect, Everything else that I get after this point is bonus.

Thanks for reading-

Paul Durante

Got Questions? Leave a comment.  Ask nice and I’ll respond, ask rude and I’ll get balligerant with you.

Follow me on twitter @DewmontPaul

I love you the way you are

I Love you, Yes you

A humanist perspective

 By Kathy Mcdermant

                The word love gets thrown around a lot these days, perhaps even too callously, but I mean it, I love you.  I love the you that you are afraid to show the world, because that is the you that you are meant to be, and I love more than anything to see you overcome that fear…..As you can tell, I’m a little emotional.

In one of my journalism classes the other day we were discusses the effects of mass advertisements on our society and man….that stuff is a heartbreaking.  So heartbreaking in fact that it makes an aspiring journalist say “stuff”.

The truth of the matter is, we live in a culture where it is practically impossible for a person to be themselves.  You can’t eat food if you want to be attractive, you can’t live if you don’t eat food, you cant save yourself for marriage if you plan on being cool, and you cant have sex if you don’t want to be judged.  Do you see the impossibilities? I mean think about it, damn near everyone in the world likes cookies and there are still weddings each and every day.

Commercials show us that everyone is thin, everyone is happy, everyone wears short shorts and goes rock climbing on their periods.  Its enough to make any normal person question what they are doing wrong.  But here’s the thing, I’m starting to believe that it isn’t us normal people that are doing the wrong thing, it’s the media (shocker right?).  I think that they are lying to us, and it’s making me wonder who else is lying to us (MAYBE CLINTON DID INHALE!!!).

People in real life don’t look the way that they do on these ridiculous commercials and TV shows.  Even Kate Upton doesn’t look like Kate Upton.  So what change needs to be made? Should we defy our own biology and become slaves to the media, or should we be ourselves, and let the salesmen learn to adapt to that?  I know that it isn’t easy to defy the norm, but you have to do it.  You have to decide that the you that you want to be is the you that the world deserves to see.  I love you the exact way that you are inside, and the people that you need in your life will too.

From Pokemon Masters to Baby Wranglers and Back Again


Opinion Column


                Remember the days where Pokémon was all that mattered?  Those  creatures that captured the imaginations of just about every child born in the nineties? Those were the days weren’t they? The days where no one was pregnant, and weed was a thing that you picked at your grandmother’s house on the weekend when you weren’t watching the show that inspired seizures in thousands of children all around the world. You can bet that that didn’t stop them from tuning in the next week though.

I think that for the sake of mankind, we need to go back to the days of Pokémon raising, back to the times where our biggest goals were as simple as collecting badges, and raising Charizard to level 100.  The very theme song of Pokémon illustrates better values than I see demonstrated by most adults these days.  And yet I see some of those people that I grew up with, the Pokémon generation, growing up into those exact same asshole adults.  “Teach Pokémon the power that’s inside”… Why can’t we focus on that? Ok maybe not teaching actual Pokémon the power inside, but what about each other? Why do we not focus only on building one another up? Why is sex and money is what drives us, when it could be camaraderie, friendship, and basic human decency? Ash cares more about his Pokémon than I see most people care about other humans around them in the real world.

So I guess what I’m saying is, fuck politics, fuck greed, selfishness, and arrogance, let’s bring things back to the nineties.  Plop Pokémon Red back into the old Gameboy color, and remember who you used to be.  Life is incredibly difficult, almost unbearably so sometimes, and with that in mind, why would you ever make it harder on yourself, or anyone else around you? The greed and selfishness of the “real world” is exactly what makes life so damn hard, so let’s take things back to the days of trading Pokémon cards with your friends after school, or linking up Gameboys with that little cord at sleep overs so that you could battle.  Those were simpler times, those were kinder times, and those were better times. Go catch them all.

Spontaneous Combustion Leads To Camera’s At Dewmont


BY Barnibus Fowley

                Yes, it has finally happened.  Dewmont Community College, the crime capital of Illinois (take that Chicago) has been chosen as the focus of an upcoming documentary to be aired on the internet this summer.  The film is set to capture the lives of both student and staff a like in what is sure to be a revealing light to the community college experience.

“Your school first grabbed our attention when we read that students were dealing stolen art from a third floor bathroom.  From what I read, a Mondrian went for thirty five dollars.  I like Mondrian,” film maker, Paul Durante said.  Durante had little to say about what was to be covered by the documentary, but assured us that the school as well as its’ students would be portrayed only in a friendly light.

“In doing my research, I found that your library has been the sight of over sixty arrests.  Honestly you can’t make that stuff up,” Durante continued.  Indeed you cannot.  The Dewmont Community College library has been the host of sixty three arrests, two cock fights, three spontaneous combustions (allegedly), and one big foot sighting.

Heavily responsible for the resolution, and sometimes cause of those incidents was the DCC public safety office.  Among them, Officer Terry Rowden had this to say. “Those combustions weren’t spontaneous; those guys were definitely set on fire.  Oh, you want to hear my thoughts on the documentary? All I can say is good luck to them.  Like I said, set on fire,” Rowden said of the prospects for the camera crew.

The cameras are scheduled to come in this week, and not stop filming until the makers feel that they have captured the “essence,” of Dewmont.

“I’m willing to bear witness to as many spontaneously combusted Mondrian peddling cock fighting Big Foot convicts as I have to get this documentary made,”  Durante said.

While some are excited about the prospect of being filmed, others are not so sure that it will be a good thing for the student body.  “Fame does terrible things to you.  I don’t want to end up like Lindsey Lohan, Kirby the Love bug, was a terrible movie,” said student Seymour McDougal. The filming staff would like to assure that students that they will not be expected to be in Kirby the Love Bug.

Follow us on Twitter at @DewmontNews

We the People of DCC


By Barnibus Fowley

                We the people of Dewmont Community College have had enough.  We are tired of the lies, the deception, and the unchecked mediocrity of the place we give our tuition money to.  The school paper has not done its duty to our standards, so we have formed our own paper: an underground newspaper meant to reveal the stories that school doesn’t want you to know, as well as to express our own opinions of the world around us.

                It should be noted that our opinions do not represent that of the school, and that is in fact why we are writing this.  Our goal is to expose the seedy under belly of Dewmont Community College to the rest of the world.  We are only six people, but our voices will be heard.  It is through this blog that we aim to give sound to our voice, and to the voices of the people.  We shall not be stopped, we shall not be silenced.  I Barnibus Fowley, along with the rest of the Daily Dewmont News Staff, solemnly swear to tell the unscensorred truth of the harsh reality that is Dewmont. 

  Kathy MacDermont                            

        Barnibus Fowley                         Drake Mahoney

April Goodwin                                                                                     Stirfry