OUR OWN ASK OTTO, BROUGHT IN FOR SUSPICION OF ARSON
By Barnibus Fowley
It has come to our attention that our own staff member, Otto, of our weekly ASK OTTO column, has been arrested on suspision of arson. Otto was spotted with what appeared to be a marijuana cigarette outside the library just moments before a nearby bush went ablaze. Witnesses reports say that Otto was seen pitching his joint into the bush and walking away just before the fire caught on. He is to be charged with arson and minor possession.
In the meantime, our campus Christian group is also up in arms about the ordeal. “A burning bush? It was Moses! Who else but Moses would burn a bush?” said Phillip Berkshire, president of the organization. Authorities have stated that they have no evidence implicating Moses in the arson.
“The Evidence is written on our hearts,” Berkshire continued. “Moses didn’t want to burn the bush, it was a nice bush. But something had to be done. This campus is overflowing with sin. It will take more than a little bit of ‘joint ashing’ to take down a bush like that. This was the work of Christ.” Authorities would also like it to be known that Christ is not a suspect in this ongoing investigation either. The organization claims that the bush is a sign from God, warning DCC about the severity of it’s actions. “If we don’t turn our actions around soon, the consequences will only be amplified. I don’t want to be here when that happens.” Said Berkshire. “This campus has an awful lot of bushes.”