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Fish Eyes and Jean Jackets: Married as F***

Married as fuck.  Sounds nice doesn’t it? While the day itself was a bit of a blur, I do believe that it is the very last phrase that the priest uttered before saying “you may now kiss the bride”.  You’re married as fuck, so just go ahead and kiss her.  Eh maybe he didn’y say it.  I knew though, and I couldn’t be happier about it.

Lets rewind.  My name is Paul Durante, and for the last three years my every waking thought has been completely and utterly captivated by one Rachel Riesenberger (I’ve learned to look past the whole German thing and I hope that you can too).  I wish there was a fun like or as that I could whip out to adequately describe our relationship (you know, like some Bonnie to my Clyde bullshit?) but the truth is she’s more like the teacher to my inner deliquint.  My girl was our class valedictorian, a feat that she is not too keen on mentioning, and while i am no intellectual shlub, you are nevertheless reading the words of our high school classes 121st ranked student (and I do believe that there was only 98 kids in our class).  In many ways we are opposites.  She is the sweet to my bitter, the organization to my clutter, even the Christian to my secular humanist.  With all that in mind, I have been married as fuck for three years, even before the church and the state decided to recognize it the way that we did.  And that simple fact has been my utter joy for the past three years.

Married as fuck.  That’s the funny thing about love, about human connection- that’s where the joy in life is.  I’m only twenty one, but if there is one thing I know without doubt, or without question, it is that the difference between joy and pleasure is as distinct as it is crucial to understand. Food can be pleasure- a fleeting moment happiness caused by what is usually fat and sugar, but a meal, shared with friends and loved ones- that can be joy.  That right there can be a memory.  the same thing is true of marriage, or any relationship of substance really.  If there is one thing I know, it is that the most foolproof path to happiness lies in  understanding what matters in life, and what doesn’t.  Because there are somethings that no one can take from you.

It is in this regard that I myself have struggled, even if only slightly.  I have the world- everything that I could ever hope for, and yet there is a small part of me that tries to define my happiness or success by how I am received as a writer or a director, or whatever the hell other goofy thing I am working on at the moment.  Since I was six I have dreamed of being a professional writer, and it has been about since then that I have also pursued it.  I have written stories, and novels, created web series, I am in pre production on an independent film, and I even started a goofy blog in the hopes that it would get people to pay attention to me.  I WANT to be succesful, but what I always come back to is the simple fact that I have already been given far more than i need.  Everyone is always looking for that greener side of the pasture, but what I continuously realize is that there is nothing better than what I have now.  I’m twenty years old, and I have peeked.  Exactly what everyone dreams of yes?  My life is perfect, Everything else that I get after this point is bonus.

Thanks for reading-

Paul Durante

Got Questions? Leave a comment.  Ask nice and I’ll respond, ask rude and I’ll get balligerant with you.

Follow me on twitter @DewmontPaul

It Looks like I gave you a break.

Oh hi there.  It’s been a while hasn’t it?  Listen….I got married.  I like you all and everything,but quite frankly none of you seemed entirely interested in spending the rest of your life with me, so the blog had to take what I suppose you could call a brief hiatus.  So now, school starts in several days, and I thought to myself “what better time to initiate a major distraction?”  The privilage of an education does have a way of making you want to completely disconnect from the world, and given that in nine months I will be expected to try and join the work force with nothing but an English degree and a bad attitude to guide me, I thought that now would be the perfect time to fully immerse myself in a world that is tedious as it is pointless.  Because really,while I do like you guys, but given that there is only like three of you, this blog is about as worthwhile as anything else, which is to say not very.  But hey, it’s more fun than school, and still probably worth my time than a real job.  So yes, The goal, the hope, the aspiration is to do this as close to daily as I possibly can.  You’ll get to here about my marriage, my web series, and my stupid opinions!
Cheers to that eh?

Thanks for reading-

Paul Durante

Follow me on twitter @DewmontPaul

A post that i forgot to title

uh oh. the weekend came and went, and no blog posts followed suit. it has been, at least for the last week or so anyway, my intention to post on a daily basis. its an obligation i put on myself when i chose the title, a lack of foresight that will not be over looked again. anyway, as some of you might remember, my name is paul durante, and last saturday (technically the one before last saturday) i promised that i would do “short story saturdays,” a weekly segment in which i would drag out old short stories that i have written and we would collectively make fun of them. while that still sounds all well and good, im not sure that i am ready to do that. there are a few i have out there that i feel deserve a little bit more attention before they are written off as failures, so while i still very well might get to posting them, it may be a great long while. SO in it’s place i have come up with a substitute. another weekly segment in which we mock my failures, “video critique saturdays,” oh sure it doesnt have the same fancy alliteration that “short story saturdays,” is able to claim, but i believe that it will be a good time nonetheless. essentially, i will post one of my old youtube videos every week, tell you the story behind it and let you know everything that i did wrong. now some of you readers out there (of which i have six) might be thinking to yourselves, “that seems rather self indulgent,” and to you i say “OF COURSE IT IS THIS IS A BLOG.” every aspect of social media is self indulgent, but at least in this instance we can talk about what a fool i am, and we dont have to rehash my old and unchanging issues with the educational system, or with life in general. sound nice? good. in other news that you shouldnt care about, i will also be beggning a sort of vlog beggining hopefully this wednsday, in which i will take a look at the news and beg for strangers to like me. i think that i will call it “the wednsday show,” as i am not excessively creative. so there is that going on to. so thats about everything my friends. hope you enjoy the blog, but more importantly, i hope you keep reading even if you dont. heres a link to my last video just for the hell of it. please like subscribe, and tell your friends to do the same. there should be another one uploaded next sunday. thanks
Paul Durante
Follow me on twitter @DewmontPaul

Bullying is Bullshit


Legalize Weed…Come on man, be cool

Opinion Column

By Drake Mahoney

                I can’t tell you how many people I have seen getting arrested on campus for smoking weed.  The number is only eclipsed by the amount of people I have seen that “should” have gotten arrested for smoking.  It is undeniable that a large portion of marijuana related crime goes unreported, or at the very least, minimally punished.  There’s a reason for that.

                Think of all the shit that you see in a day.  Homework, tests, garishly dressed teachers, and approximately 800 pictures of Miley Cyrus wagging her tongue around like a dog.  Now after all of that nonsense, would you really want to spend several hours, arresting and booking someone for smoking weed? Of course not.  Now imagine if you spent your entire day dealing with beatings, robberies, and human atrocities we would only ever hear about if we didn’t use twitter as our primary source of news.  After all that shit do you really think that you would want to arrest someone for smoking a joint? Before you even contemplate it, just say no.  It makes things easier for me.

                As you can tell, this isn’t any sort of formal persuasive essay.  I didn’t research this; I’m just telling you what I think.

                A lot of people argue that weed should be legal because it is tremendously less dangerous than alcohol.  This is true, but it is also a horrible argument.  That does not make a good case for weed; it simply makes a good case for the illegalization of alcohol….Do not try and makes a good case for the illegalization of alcohol.

                There are indeed good arguments on both sides of the debate, but even as I try my best to step outside of my role as a college student and see the issue from an unbiased perspective, I still fall on the side of legalization.  It’s simple, drug dealers (and I mean the dangerous ones, not the guy that always leaves his phone in your car) want weed to be illegal.  Why is that? It’s where they make all of their money!

                Our culture is more or less rooted in revenue.  It’s the sad truth, but it is the truth nonetheless.  Weed will make the United States Government money.  No it won’t erase the debt ceiling, no it won’t stop the wars (although a case could be made that it might spark some peace) but it will certainly make that shit less of a bummer. 

                I can’t prove, or even fairly speculate that the legalization of wee will have a profound impact on the lives of every day citizens, or on our government as a whole, but there are some undeniably true benefits that would stem from it.  Jobs would be created, there would be less people in prison, less senseless arrests, more money generated, and most importantly, it would virtually erase a culture of violence that surrounds it due to its current legal standings.  But even more importantly, come on man, be cool.

Zombie Attack Leaves Six Undead

Zombie Invasion Leaves Six Undead

By Barnibus Fowley

                Screams were heard around campus Thursday afternoon as a heard of zombies were spotted in the central quad.  Students of all ages fled with panic as the swarm divided off and spread about the school.  “Brains”, said Darrell Cummings as he chewed on his own arm.  Cummings is a method actor and head of the Dewmont Zombie Club.  He led the swarm for their first ever “Campus Invasion”.  “We’ve tried to invade the campus before, but not many people showed up,” said Cummings. “It was more like a get together than anything else.  Someone brought cookies.  It was lovely.” Unfortunately for the zombie club, things got considerably less lovely today when their invasion was met with a student led attack. 

“Yeah I knew that they weren’t real zombies.  Of course I did, I’m Big Red! I don’t know though…Mob mentality I guess? Plus the weather wasn’t great.  That led to some panic.  But yes, I do regret biting that guy in the throat,” Said campus police officer Hunter Thompson, known also as Big Red.  Throat biting, panic, and bad weather, all added up to one great heap of tragedy. “Bad weather? I wouldn’t say that there was bad weather.  There were a few clouds out…probably less than normal though,” said one student who witnessed the attacks.  The battle between man, and other man dressed as zombie lasted for approximately fifteen minutes before being broken up by campus police.  Head wounds inflicted on six of the actors have left them in a perpetual state of zombie.  “I don’t know…It’s like they think they’re zombies now or something.  It’s definitely good for the club.  Not so good for them though,” said Cummings of the recent tragedy.  Several others have been left in critical condition.  Classes will resume as normal tomorrow morning. 

Ask Otto Column to Undergo Changes

By Barnibus Fowley
Our own ask Otto has been charged with arson as well as misdemeanor possession after setting the bush in front of the library on fire. Otto will undergo a monthly drug test, and will have to attend mandatory therapy sessions every other week for the next three months. For those reasons the Daily Dewmont News will be picking up an extra Advice Columnist by the name of Stirfry to fill in when Otto cannot make it. The two will rotate week by week. While we fully intend to stand by our friend and co-worker, we are as disappointed by the situation as you might expect, and we greatly appreciate your patience in dealing with this situation. As always, if you have a question that you would like Otto or Stirfry to field, simply comment below and they will try their best to accomadate you. Thank you for your patience

Professor claims to Be Wearwolf


By Barnibus Fowley

                Though the moon is not full, Professor Thomson claims that a transformation is imminent.  “It’s all so very clear to me.  I am a werewolf.  If I’m being honest with myself, I always knew that to be the case, I have very strange pubic hair.  It’s almost animalistic in nature.” Professor Thomson claims that this statement is made, not in an effort to draw attention to himself, but is in fact to keep students safe. He has taught at Dewmont for seven years, and has yet to have a fatality in one of his classrooms. To say the least he knows a thing or two about safety. He had this to say about his imminent change: “I know people usually say full moons because they are bigger or whatever, but the sun is really big to so it’s just like, I don’t know, you know? I definitely feel as though I am going to transform on campus.  It’s inevitable.  It’s almost usually sunny here, and I’m not going to just not come here you know? My wife is at home, and she’s a b***”.  Thomson made this declaration early today After President Meridue announced immense pay cuts for the teacher’s salary.  “Yeah I wasn’t a fan of the pay cuts.  But it has nothing to do with this.  I was born a werewolf.  Now I’m a werewolf who can’t afford to go to as many midget boxing matches.  That’s the only difference.”

Our Own Ask Otto


By Barnibus Fowley

                It has come to our attention that our own staff member, Otto, of our weekly ASK OTTO column, has been arrested on suspision of arson.  Otto was spotted with what appeared to be a marijuana cigarette outside the library just moments before a nearby bush went ablaze.  Witnesses reports say that Otto was seen pitching his joint  into the bush and walking away just before the fire caught on.  He is to be charged with arson and minor possession. 

                In the meantime, our campus Christian group is also up in arms about the ordeal.  “A burning bush? It was Moses! Who else but Moses would burn a bush?” said Phillip Berkshire, president of the organization.  Authorities have stated that they have no evidence implicating Moses in the arson. 

                “The Evidence is written on our hearts,” Berkshire continued.  “Moses didn’t want to burn the bush, it was a nice bush.  But something had to be done.  This campus is overflowing with sin.  It will take more than a little bit of ‘joint ashing’ to take down a bush like that.  This was the work of Christ.”  Authorities would also like it to be known that Christ is not a suspect in this ongoing investigation either.  The organization claims that the bush is a sign from God, warning DCC about the severity of it’s actions. “If we don’t turn our actions around soon, the consequences will only be amplified. I don’t want to be here when that happens.” Said Berkshire.  “This campus has an awful lot of bushes.”

Murder and Coffee


By Barnibus Fowley

                Officer Jay Reynolds, head of campus security was announced dead this Tuesday. The announcement was made by the Dewmont Community college official daily publication, The Dewmont Storm.  Reynolds had served the school faithfully for twelve years.  He leaves behind two children, and a grieving widow who could not be reached for comment.

Reynolds passing occurred suddenly and unexpectedly, after a reported “coffee incident” went horribly awry.  This is one of seventeen coffee related tragedies suffered at Dewmont over the past three semesters.

Reynolds was known on campus as the man who solved the great napkin heist of 03, tamed the women’s bull riding team riots in 06, and patched the infamous Dewmont Crack that claimed three students lives.  It goes without saying that he will be truly missed around campus.

When asked about his feelings on the reports of this tragedy one man had this to say.  “I think that this goes without saying, but I am not dead.  I did show up late last Tuesday, about five minutes late, because I stopped to get tea on my way to work and the line was quite long.  Tea.  I don’t even drink coffee, not after the Frappe fiasco of 07.  This is ridiculous.  I came home to my wife in tears yesterday! Fuck you Dewmont Storm!” Fuck Dewmont Storm indeed.

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