Blog Archives

A letter to Dr. Dre

Dr. Dre is featured in a song by Eminem titled “Old Time’s sake.”  This letter is in regards to that.

Dear Dr. Dre,

Congradulations on your recent financial upswing! That must be very nice for you. But enough of these formalities, this is in regards to your song with Eminem “Old Time’s Sake,”.  In it, you very clearly make an offer, “If you really want to get fucked up just let me know.”  I think that you know where this letter is going.  I would indeed like to capitalize on that offer.  You go on to say that “We will smoke until there is no more lighter fluid to do it,” which sounds like a very generous amount of smoking to be sure.  However, it begs another question: “Is there any more lighter fluid to do it?” one might ask themselves.  I certainly know that I am asking myself that.  Rest assured, if there is not, I can provide some.  That will be my contribution.  Thank you very much for your generosity, I cannot wait to smoke “the shit that makes the records go number one,”.

Have a nice day, Dr. Dre (and feel free to consider that line for one of your raps)

Yeedin Yip yip and Shit,

Love Otto

This is the shit that moves stadiums

Dear Everyone,

Hi! It’s me Otto! Sorry I have been away and all.  The whole thing about it was that I didn’t want to write any more of these stupid fucking articles…but regardless, I am here now to talk about what is most definitely, most honestly the greatest theatre going experience that any non pretentious ass munches will ever experience.  This modern day “Citizen Kane” that I am going on about is of course, “X-Men Days of Future Past.” It took me a long time to figure out what the title meant, long in the sense that I am still trying to figure it out, but a strong understanding of titles is not what makes a good blog, so with that in mind, lets go foreward shall we?
The magnet guy moves a stadium.  I’m not trying to give anything away, although it certainly wont ruin my day if I do, but yeah, the magnet guy moves a stadium.  I don’t know how, and I still aren’t sure exactly why, but that shit happens.  Its awesome.  That is all,

Yeedin yip yip and shit,

Love

Otto

 

 

I lit a bush on fire with A Blunt

Dear Everyone,
High! As some of you may know, a few months ago I got into some trouble. They thought that I had lit a bush on fire with a blunt because…well because I lit a bush on fire with a blunt. Those days are behind me though now, and I am officially off probation! That means no more drug test, and no more blunts. From now on it’s just bowls and bongs for me. And the occasional joint. And blunt. Ok, not a lot has changed on that front. You know what they say though; “Rome wasn’t built in a day, but no one cared because they were all high as fuck”. That might not be an exact quote, I dont read the bible. Anyway, I’m writing this to say that I am back in buisness! Thank you for reading!
Yeedin Yip Yip and shit,
Love,
Otto

Math is silly, so Dance

Dear Everyone,

Math is silly, so dance! I’ m sitting here in the math building of Dewmont Community College, not doing my homework, wondering instead why anyone would smile in the general vascinity of here.  You can’t trust someone that is happy about doing math. 

I’ve been sitting here for the past thirty minutes, sober, trying to figure out how to divide fractions.  It’s worse than trying to watch a Michael Bay movie.  This whole time I have had that Solja Boy song stuck in my head, and now all I want to do is Crank that Solja boy.  I think that I will, because math is silly, and I might as well dance.

Yeedin Yip Yip and Shit,

Otto

Please Read This

Dear Everyone,

Hi.  I would like you to read this.  I would like you to read all of this, because it makes me happy when you read this.  Cheezitz also make me happy.  You could get me cheezitz if you wanted and I would also be happy, but in order to know that you should do that, you would have to have read this. 

Anyway, school is stupid right? I have six assaignments to do right now, and instead I’m writing about Cheezitz.  I didn’t even bother to check and see if I was spelling it right.  I probably wasn’t! Anyway, If you are like me and you need to do work, but you don’t want to, you should further explore our site.  Most of the articles on here are far better than this one, and the ones that aren’t are written by me!

Yeedin Yip Yip and Shit,

Otto

Butt Stuff

Dear Everyone,

Have you ever looked at your butt, and found that there is stuff in and around it? No, I’m not talking about jewelry, or cell phone chargers.  I’m talking about lent (not the catholic thing, the butt stuff thing).  How does it get there? I didn’t put it there, and to be honest, I didn’t really want it to be there to begin with.  Is someone putting it there for me? I don’t want them to.

Yeedin Yip Yip and Shit,

Sincerely yours,

Otto

The Politics of Pokemon

The Politics of Pokemon

An Ottotastic Musing

I’m on a roll today.  Fresh off a bathroom break, I’m ready to knock another article out of the park.  If you haven’t already read my previous post of the day “I have to pee” please do so immediately.  Otherwise, welcome back. 

Today we will be talking about the politics of Pokémon.  No, not the show featuring the immortal little boy changing the world with a pocket full of balls, today we will be examining the video game about the immortal little boy (or girl you sexist slime) that saves the world with a pocket full of balls.  Like all the reporters here at the Daily Dewmont News, I am quite the fan of the Pokémon series.  I love the movies, I love the cards, I love the show, and I love the video games.  However, what I do not love is the clear impact that inflation has had on their community.

Twelve hundred dollars

for an ultra ball? Fuck that shit, I’ll catch those critters with my hands. A million dollars for a bike? I would rather walk. A level based rate for the day care people to make your Pokémon…intimate?….I don’t really have a comment for that one, but it’s fucked up. So how do we change this? Support local business’s! No more Poke marts, no more Pokémon Centers! They are driving small mom and pop shops out of the world of Pokémon that we all know and cherish. The Pokémon economy is going to hell, and you are all out there paying for it’s one way ticket.
Yeedin Yip Yip and Shit,
Otto
Thanks for Reading! Please follow me on Twitter @DewmontPaul for more random stuff about Pokemon, and follow this blog by typing in your email on the right hand side of your screen. THANKS!

I have to Pee

Otto’s Musings

I Have To Pee

By Otto

It’s true.  I have to pee.  I really really have to pee, and yet here I am typing away, hoping that it will all go away.  If it does though, where will it go? Will someone else’s body absorb it? If so, will they be able to pass a drug test? But let’s say that it doesn’t go away (because it usually doesn’t) then what will happen? Will I die? And if I do, what will my Eulogy read? “Here lies Otto, he could hold his pee like a motherfucker, love his best friend, Stirfry.” All this because I was doing lazy to go to the bathroom.  Oh well

Yeedin Yip Yip and Shit,

Love Otto

Coffee Poop

Otto’s Musings

Is there a science behind the coffee poop? Is there? I’m serious.  If I was a scientist, that would be the first thing that I looked into.  I’m a man that loves a good cup of coffee, but not so much a runny, urgent poo.  Every scientist in the world is trying to cure cancer, it would be nice if just one of them would work on coffee poop. 

The End

Yeedin Yip Yip and Shit

Otto