Fraternity Set to Raise Rabies Awareness

dailydewmontnews

Fraternity Set to Raise Rabies Awareness

By Barnibus Fowley

                Dewmont’s one and only fraternity, Alpha Kappa Pig Latin, has set up shop near the needle exchange in an attempt to raise rabies awareness. “We were only made aware of rabies when members of our fraternity started getting it, and now it’s too squirrel nipple,” said frat leader, Gunthree Autobond. The group plans on handing out pamphlets to students as they walk past the exchange. “It’s a great way to spread awereness to people as they go off to get their new needles, and we think that it is deffinitly drawing attention to our group. We are the Alpha Kappa Pig Latin. We go so hard that we have rabies. Who else can say that? I believe that if it wasn’t for all of the rabies related deaths we have suffered in the past few weeks our numbers would be…

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Your life Matters

Our Problems

Reflection Column

By Drake Mahoney

                #Firstworldproblems.  If I see that phrase pop up on my twitter timeline one more time I do believe that I will scream.  Ironically that is in itself a first world problem.  It’s a vicious cycle, but the logic itself isn’t tremendously sound.  Of course your problems are first world problems, you live in a first world, what else could they possibly be?

                I find it odd that people feel the need to distinguish struggles.  Are problems any less real because of geographical location? “Oh, I’m sorry, you don’t get to be sad today, and Africa is still hungry.”  It’s an undeniable truth that there is a lot to be grateful for living in a “first world” country, but with that privilege comes struggles as well.

                Only in a “first world” country will you find yourself constantly bombarded with advertisements that will leave you with depression, eating disorders, and more William Shatner than you ever hoped to see outside of Star trek.  Advertisements plant the need inside our heads to buy more things.  To do that we need money.  To get money we need to go to college, which costs a tremendous amount of money.  To get that money we take out loans, loans that cost even more money to pay off once we get out of college.  We spend the first twenty something years of our lives in school, and the next ten years paying off those twenties years, all for the purpose of keeping up with the demands of our fast paced culture.

                So yes, some of our problems are indeed rooted in the fact that we are living in a developed society.  But if your cell phone is broken, does that really not matter just because it is a “first world problem”? I know what you’re thinking, and before you continue, shut your face, I get it.  I know that the vast majority of people who have ever lived went their entire lives without every even contemplating the idea of what a cell phone would be.  We aren’t those people.  Cell phones keep you safe, they keep you in contact with the people that you love, and yes, they give you something to do when you are bored.

                So how is our problems inconsequential? Why doesn’t it matter that we are expected to spend the vast majority of our lives doing things that we probably don’t want to do so that we can pay for all these things that we would most likely be better off not having? How is it not a problem that millions of young children have grown to hate their own bodies because of the images they have seen on television depicting how they are “supposed to” look?  First world problems are indeed different than the problems of the third world countries, but the fact is that living in the first world is sometimes itself the problem.

Shameless (Pitiful) Promotion

COME CHECK US OUT! Read this blog.  This is the honest to God place to be for those of you that love comic books, Pokémon, weed, humor, community college, and mediocrity.

This is the site to be, packed with six different peoples perspectives, constantly expanding and growing.  Not a fan of what we are doing here? Great! Read our shitty articles, and tell us how much you hate them! Love what we are doing here? Even better! Read our still shitty articles, and tell the people off that are telling us they hate us!

NOW is the time to get on board the ship that is the Daily Dewmont News.  Watch us sink like the titanic as we begin to move into phase two of our operations.  Within the next few months, this site will be packed with videos, comics, and photos in addition to the already regular blog posts.  Excited? Good.  Subscribe now and witness it all for free.  Or, pay us, if you are so inclined

Fatman on Batman: An Artistic Endevour

If you know Kevin Smith, you know that the man can talk, and if you really know Kevin Smith, you know that he can talk better than anyone else out there.  Film maker, writer, actor, (sort of) podcaster, and hell of a man.  You don’t have to like his movies to love him.  In fact, I listened to his podcasts for a full year before I saw a single one of his films.  All are good, but nothing is better than the person behind them.

All that being said, I am not here to kiss Kevin Smith’s ass, although if he asked, I might be liable to oblige him (I hope that he washes).  I am here to bring praise to a very specific aspect of his huge body of work, “Fat Man on Batman.” For those of you not in the know, “Fat Man on Batman,” is one of many podcasts that Smith is involved in on his immense Smodco Network. 

I love Batman. I’ve seen the movies, watched the cartoons, read the comic books, and waged wars on crime from my backyard (in the name of Batman of course). For those of you that can relate, please feel free to stop reading now and go ahead and download the podcast now, you won’t be disappointed.  For the rest of you, please stick around, or at least give my post a courtesy “like,” on your way out. 

“Fat Man on Batman,” is not about Bat Man.  Ok, it is a little bit.  But what matters, what is really important is the artists themselves.  Each week Mr. Smith interviews a man or a woman who has made an immense contribution to the world of the Bat.  How they speak of it though is not how somewhat my typically speak of a comic book, it is how someone might discuss the beauty of the human soul.  That is what art is, an expression of the soul, and to see it laid out like that, by the people responsible for something as underappreciated as comics is a unique and pleasing experience. 

For those of you who write, for those of you who draw, or read, or sketch, or even use your imagination on a consistent bases, “Fat Man on Batman,” is for you, it’s where artists go to discuss what really matters.

Zombies

Zombie Invasion Leaves Six Undead

By Barnibus Fowley

                Screams were heard around campus Thursday afternoon as a heard of zombies were spotted in the central quad.  Students of all ages fled with panic as the swarm divided off and spread about the school.  “Brains”, said Darrell Cummings as he chewed on his own arm.  Cummings is a method actor and head of the Dewmont Zombie Club.  He led the swarm for their first ever “Campus Invasion”.  “We’ve tried to invade the campus before, but not many people showed up,” said Cummings. “It was more like a get together than anything else.  Someone brought cookies.  It was lovely.” Unfortunately for the zombie club, things got considerably less lovely today when their invasion was met with a student led attack. 

“Yeah I knew that they weren’t real zombies.  Of course I did, I’m Big Red! I don’t know though…Mob mentality I guess? Plus the weather wasn’t great.  That led to some panic.  But yes, I do regret biting that guy in the throat,” Said campus police officer Hunter Thompson, known also as Big Red.  Throat biting, panic, and bad weather, all added up to one great heap of tragedy. “Bad weather? I wouldn’t say that there was bad weather.  There were a few clouds out…probably less than normal though,” said one student who witnessed the attacks.  The battle between man, and other man dressed as zombie lasted for approximately fifteen minutes before being broken up by campus police.  Head wounds inflicted on six of the actors have left them in a perpetual state of zombie.  “I don’t know…It’s like they think they’re zombies now or something.  It’s definitely good for the club.  Not so good for them though,” said Cummings of the recent tragedy.  Several others have been left in critical condition.  Classes will resume as normal tomorrow morning. 

He used to quote Dragon Ball Z

It is funny how you can feel betrayed by something that didn’t really have anything at all to do with you.  Today I found out that the person that gave me karate lessons when I was ten is a convicted rapist. He used to quote Dragon Ball z.

I can’t say that the man changed my life because he didn’t. I was ten years old when I knew him, I didn’t even have a life, but I can tell you that he was in it.  I loved him! The man was a big kid, and he could do back flips like a maniac.  He was the sort of person that would ask you about your day, and seem to mean it.  He was the sort of guy that actually remembered the shit that you would say to him.  He is a rapist.

Maybe it isn’t fair that I feel hurt by this.  It is true that I trusted him, ten years ago, but a lot has changed since then.  I haven’t even given him so much as a seconds thought in probably six of those ten years, and even before that it was only in passing, and yet this was still the man that taught me how to defend myself.  It was because of him that I on some level was able to feel safe in most given situations.  I learned strength, discipline and confidence in those lessons: I learned strength, discipline, and confidence from him.

I can’t say for sure, but I might imagine that the girl he hurt, the girl that he violated felt about him the same things that I did.  She was a student of his as well, and if she was like any of the other students of his that I knew, I am sure that she liked him.  I am sure that she found him smart, and funny, and kind, and I am sure that she honestly believed that he was interested in her life.  And now, I very much doubt that she will be able to trust those qualities in other people for a very long time, all because of him……  He used to quote Dragon Ball Z.

 

Finals: All the things you need to know that won’t help

Below is a list of things to get yourself through finals week.  Disclaimer, none of them work.

1.) Study! In case you forgot, you’re supposed to study for this shit.  The choice is between that, or dropping out.  If I were you I would pick the latter.

2.) Don’t cram.  The only thing worse than studying for one exam a night, is studying for six the night before.  I know you’ll want to go ahead and ignore this piece of advice, on account if it’s what your parents and teachers say to you to, but resist the urge to rebel and listen to them.

3.) Eat healthy.  I don’t know if this helps you do better on the exams or not, but it will make you live longer.  Trust me, you’ll  want some time in between your finals and your death.  Can you imagine if the last thing that you did on this planet was math?

4.) Get help! There are worse things in the world than having to ask for help, trust me, I’ve had six teeth pulled.  Now to be fair, if your tutor starts pulling your teeth, it might be a bad experience.  However, outside the occasional isolated insidents of attempted amateur dentistry, most tutoring goes quite well.

5.) Stay calm (But don’t make a fucking T-Shirt about it) Seriously, don’t worry too much about it.  It could be worse (you could be dead).

Major Bullshit

The only thing worse than having a major in college is not having one.  When I was in high school a girl that I knew came up to my lunch table and sat down with a big sigh.  I asked her what was wrong and she told me: she had decided to change her major, again.

I know. It’s bull shit.  The fact of the matter is, you cannot have a major in high school.  I think she knew that.  What she meant was that she had for the second time, thought about a new possible career.  She started out wanting to be a teacher and just that day she had decided she wanted to be a dentist.  The girl was drawn to misery.

The truth is that college will screw you any which way.  Either you have a major and you’re locked into a life of hard work and uncertainty in a job market that you most likely don’t want to participate in to begin with, or you are trapped in the monotony of academia by an undecided major, losing thousands of dollars a year that you don’t have and likely won’t for an upwards of ten years.  Or you can skip the entire process now and get a job at Dairy Queen.  The choice is yours.

I chose you!

Today is pretty beyond belief.  The sun is out, but not too hot, and the trees are looking about as nice as they are going to, and yet here I sit in my room, typing away on a mediocre blog, about ready to play Pokémon.  I suppose what I am saying is, Pokémon, I chose you!

There is something about playing Pokémon that makes me forget about the looming threat of adulthood, and the even more pressing issue of end of the semester exams.  Pokémon is timeless, and when I play it, so am I. 
I like the show, I really do, but it is nothing compared to the thrill of stepping into the world, and living in it.  I here a lot of jokes about how Ash never ages, but thank God that it is the case.  In truth it makes perfect since that the young Pokémon Master to be never ages on his journey, because I never age in mine either.  I remember each game like I had just played it, and have developed bonds with cyber animals that are closer than some I have established with humans.  Pokémon preaches about the value of friendship, integrity, and loyalty.  The theme song alone contains more valuable lessons than most anything else that you are likely to encounter, and upon stepping into the land of Pokémon, you know immediately that you are in a better place. 
I am a Pokémon Master, and that will never change.

Say what you think, live how you feel

It is indeed the weekend, and as such, a perfect time to read this blog.  This weekend, I invite you to be yourself.  Do what you want to do.  Life is hard, but with each passing second you are given a chance at something new, it’s up to you to take it.  Walking around a college campus, I spot a lot of people who aren’t being themselves.  You don’t have to conform to a group to be apart of it.  Be yourself and add to the equation that makes up the party, don’t just exist beside it.  Life is to short not to say what you think and live how you feel.